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April 19, 2001 - Walking Cool
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!
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NEW! Kay Jones' Mary Kay specialty products for Mother's Day! Order Satin Hands lotion with a pair of garden gloves, shovel, and a poem about Mother's hands and the tender loving care she gave for only $30 (and a little angel figurine!) Also available are cookies and cream sets with an angel figurine. Kayjones@trailnet.com
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"I hate fashion... They have these runway shows and they have a commentator saying, 'A pretty face is your best asset this season.' As opposed to last season, when ugly girls had a free ride all the way through, when back-fat was all the rage." - Janeane Garofalo
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I lied! Last week I told you I was going to run my Junior High story, but I couldn't get it to "feel" right, so I'm sharing this little gem instead. You are NOT allowed to laugh at me!
"Walking Cool"
by Susan Fahncke
Today I went to Barnes & Noble. Walking into the store, I saw my reflection in the glass doors. To my horror, I saw this woman, this slouch of a woman who is no longer the goddess she once was. When did this happen? Feeling all of my thirty-six years, I slowed my steps and focused hard on my reflection. What exactly had changed? Was it my hair? Although a few silver strands occasionally sprout, it is still the strawberry red, think mane it always was. Was it my clothes? Definitely could use some help there. My baggy sweatshirt and shorts have replaced the skin-tight jeans and sweaters, the added "curves" beneath being the reason for the change. Nothing I could do about it right now.
My eyes are still the same blue-gray and my smile seems to be as friendly, so what was it making me look like a lumpy sack of grass seed? As I took the next couple of steps, I realized what it was. My walk!
I used to have a sexy swagger. Men used to stop to watch me walk. Whistles and stares happened every day. Now they just pass me by, except maybe to notice the Diet Coke stains on my shirt front. If I could just walk the way I used to.
Wanting to look "cool" and youthful again, I tried to think of how the fashion models walked. To me they look like drunken prancing ponies, but hey, they get paid the big bucks to walk like that, so they must be doing it right.
Focusing on stepping one foot directly in front of the other, I sashayed my way around Barnes and Noble, impressed with my sexy new walk and feeling like Cindy Crawford - Diet Coke stains and all. Back held rigid, I thought about trying to balance a book on my head, but didn't want to look stupid. I even walked up and down the aisles for no reason, just to practice my new walk. Hips swaying, legs prancing, I was sure I would be offered a modeling contract at any moment.
I paid for my books and headed out the door. I noticed the twenty-ish clerk watching me walk. I bet he was wishing I wasn't married. Doing my pretty pony prance out the glass doors, I felt confident that I looked much better walking out than I did walking in. Boy, what a difference something as little as a walk can make in a person's appearance!
A teenage boy was crossing the parking lot just as I was and I wondered if he thought I was a babe too. I focused harder on overlapping my steps so that my right leg crossed directly in front of my left and vice-versa. How do those models keep this up? It takes great concentration.
Just then my left foot stepped on the right heel of my sandal and my stomach lurched as I realized I was about to hit the pavement. Barnes & Noble bag flew in one direction, purse in another and I went straight down. Sprawled as gracefully as a dead cow, I heard the teenage boy's voice crack as he asked "Are you okay, Ma'am?" Yep, I'm a hot babe.
My face redder than my hair, I grunted that I was fine and scrambled to pick up my things and skulk to my car. Embarrassed and with stinging palms, I hunkered down in the seat and wondered how many people saw me. Boy, I was cool all right. I think I'll stick to my regular walk from now on. It's a lot less dangerous and besides, my husband thinks it's sexy. And he even likes me when I fall down.
Copyright 2001
Susan Fahncke
Editor@2theheart.com
I am founder and editor of 2TheHeart.com and Funny Friday, mother to four and wife to one. I am just finishing up my first book "Angel's Legacy" which will be out in May. To see more of my work, visit my web site: www.2theheart.com/susan_fahncke/
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"There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you're interrupting." - Mark Twain
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"I had my coat-hangers spayed." - Steven Wright
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The Letter Box:
Susan,
I loved all your "chocolate" quotes today. My current screen saver is one of my favorites: "If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I'm not going!" (God is gracious so I don't think I have anything to worry about!)Happy Easter to you and yours!
~Kim Murray
Dear Sue,
Your Funny Friday story "The Dark Night" is absolutely hilarious! It reminds me of some of the dumb things that happened to me and my friends when we were that age. However, we didn't try to walk on water. I definitely hope to read about more of your funny teen-age experiences.
Love, Pat
Dear sue,
I have enjoyed your stories immensely on 2TheHeart and got quote a kick out of "What Were You Thinking Lord?" You have a very versatile writing style - please continue to write!
~Holly
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Help me reach my goal of referring ten new members to the CROSSINGS book club this month! I am a member myself and really love it! If you sign up now you can choose FIVE books for .99 plus shipping! The books I've gotten through this book club have been wonderfully soul-enriching, and I love them! Help me reach my goal by joining when you see the Crossings banner ads on our web site.
You can find one of our ads for CROSSINGS, as well as a photo to go along with today's story on this web page: http://www.2theheart.com/today_s_story/
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Submit your funny stories to: Editor@2theheart.com
See our new online store! www.2theheart.com/our_store_/
Feel free to pass this on to your friends!
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