Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Check out the new look and Enter the 2002 VW Beetle sweepstakes at Mary Kay! Beauty Is Just A Click Away! Shop Online With Me at www.marykay.com/kjones17

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FREE CD ROM for kids! Your kids will learn, explore, have fun and
imagine with Paw Island! Order their FREE CD ROM now!
http://www.qksrv.net/click-404250-4063380

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quotes of the Week:


"A criminal is a person with predatory instincts who has not
sufficient capital to form a corporation."
~Howard Scott~


"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one
that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad."
~Helen Rowland ~


"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There's no
pleasure worth foregoing just for an extra three years in the
geriatric ward."
~John Mortimer ~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Many of you know Maxine Wright underwent surgery for a brain tumor last week. Please continue to keep her in your prayers. This week's Funny Friday is Maxine's humorous look at getting "in shape" for her surgery. Gotta love a woman who can poke fun at brain surgery!



"THE UNWANTED"
by Maxine Wright


I hate exercise.  Really I do not believe hate is a strong enough word to describe how I feel about any kind of physical activity that people call exercise.  I am not a very coordinated person and grace is not my middle name, so I do not like to exhibit my inept abilities in front of all of God's creation.

When my husband announced to me that we were getting bicycles for our birthdays, I assure you I did not turn cartwheels across the kitchen floor.  I just looked at him and said, "Whose birthdays?"  He began to give me all the arguments of why we needed them. The most impressive, in his opinion, was that I needed to get in shape before I had brain surgery in July.  "Why" I asked? I am just going to be lying there. I am not planning to do a marathon around the operating room while the procedure is taking place."

However, no amount of persuasion would deter him from his adventurous and what he considered a very thoughtful gift for us both.  Therefore, being the submissive wife, we went together to our local Wal-mart to pick out these wonderful modes of transportation.

When we arrived, I noticed all of these cool neat swings out front. They were the glider types with covers over the top and very comfortable cushions.  I said, "Larry, look.  This is what I think we need to get each other for our birthday."  I sat down in one and begin to swing back and forth.  "Look, we will get a lot of exercise pushing it back and forth with our legs.  Then, you can swing your legs up like this and stretch them out and it is a wonderful leg lift motion."  He looked at me with that raised eyebrow, (that means trouble) and said, "We are getting bicycles. Come on!"

Well, I reluctantly got up from my beautiful swing and as I started in, I passed some rocking chairs just like the swing.  I thought, give it one more Maxine try.  "Larry, look.  Chairs to match, and they rock and we can get more exercise." I sat down in the chair to show him.  "Look" and that is all I said as about five gallons of water poured out from under the seat and puddle up on the ground by my feet.  What was not on the ground was on me.  My light colored pants were soaked.

I was speechless and I am sure my face was one of shock, but I couldn't see Larry's face because he was bent over in laughter.  I guess the chairs absorbed the water after the rain that the swing had
missed.  After Larry gained control over his laughter, he told me we would go home so I could change.  Then I felt guilty because I had been putting off what he wanted to do. I told him no, he could just
walk behind me.  I had on a long dark shirt, so I reasoned that I would not look too bad.  My plan worked well until I wanted to sit on the bike.  When I  hiked my leg to get on the seat, my shirt came up and my soaked pants, in all their glory, glared at the young man helping us.  The salesperson just dropped his jaw to the floor with a gasp and Larry said under laughter,  "She sat in a wet chair outside."

The bikes and helmets (I detest wearing something on my head, almost as bad as exercise) were purchased.  Since I had not been on a bike in years, we started out slowly.  Every road around my house is a hill and I know the neighbors were laughing their heads off at me as I struggled up each hill, huffing and puffing wobbling around trying to find a gear I could pedal.  I figured out that the bike did not need gears but a motor and an air conditioner.  I was about to die I was so hot! 

I hung in and even got a little better.  Larry found a bike trail and we started going to it.  I have even ridden as far as 10 miles, and I am very proud.

One night we were riding and decided we needed to go in because a storm was brewing in the sky.  As we hurridly approached the trailhead to get off, my brain went down.  You have to make a sharp turn, then it goes down a long hill.  Right at the turn is a drop-off that goes down a rock and dirt bank.  I really do not know what happened but I did not make the turn and just started to go toward that drop off.

I knew I was about to have a wipe-out but I didn't know what to do, so I put my feet down.  You have to picture my short legs.  Putting my feet down didn't make them reach the ground. The tips of my toes were all that would touch the dirt and the pedals were hitting me repeatedly in the back of the legs, but the bike kept going.  I was getting closer and closer to the drop-off and I thought - what am I going to do?  I could hear Larry screaming in the background but I didn't understand what he was telling me to do.  Then suddenly I heard him in his loudest, deepest voice say,"Max, put on the BRAKES.....ssssss!" 

Magically, I did and the bike stopped right at the drop off.  "What in the world were you doing? I was screaming brake it, brake it and you just kept putting your toes on the ground." 

I just looked at him and said, "Oh, I heard you but I thought you were saying bake it, bake it and I did not know what you wanted me to do. I thought you had lost your mind."  Larry shook his head.  "Why
did you not put on the brakes?" I just looked at him and said, "I didn't think about it." We made it to the truck right before the rain poured and the lightning flashed.  Larry was still shaking his head as we started home.

We are still riding but now he makes me wear that silly helmet even on the trail.  For the life of me, I cannot figure why.

I do know one thing. I bet I will have the most in-shape brain that doctor has ever seen when he does my surgery.  I guess that will make the unwanted gift welcomed.



Maxine Wright   copyright 2001
maxlj@bellsouth.net


Maxine has penned many Funny Friday stories, including "The Unmentionable", "Prepared for What?", and An Unexpected Guest", which can be found in our new constructed Funny Friday archives:
http://www.2theheart.com/funny_friday/

Send Max an email or a get well ecard!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Get 250 business cards FREE! It really is free, all you pay is a few dollars for shipping! Choose from many designs for your business, web site, writings, or just for your personal phone number! Order now for FREE!  http://www.qksrv.net/click-404250-5063281

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quit smoking in seven days or you don't pay!  No cravings, no discomfort, no withdrawl, no weight gain!  Click here to quit now! http://www.qksrv.net/click-404250-513612

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Send all letters for the Letter Box to Editor@2theheart.com


The Letter Box:


Dear Susan,
I laughed right out loud and really "enjoyed" your family camping trip--between the crazy chair, the sparklers, the burning "bootie" and the bats, it was a hilarious time.  Very entertaining for the reader.
~Mary Ellen Grisham
fantasy@apci.net


Susan,
Hey, that's one of the reasons I gave up camping out! It was fun for the kids but,well you know who gets to do everything even out in the "wilderness"! Loved your story; good to start the day with  a good laugh!!
~Cruz
cesquer@juno.com
P.S. the last time we camped out was in the back yard and really did
have a good time!



OMG Susan this one was way too funny!  Living in colorado all of my life and camping endless times I can relate to it all!  Thank you for the smiles!
monpet@rmi.net


Susan,
Your camping story had me laughing out loud at work - and got me in trouble! I'm only supposed to use email for "work-related purposes", but I am a 2theheart & funny friday junkie!  Got to have my fix! We
have some of those "fold up" chairs and the first time we went camping, we kept getting all folded up in them too! Using the footrest is dangerous, because then you have nothing to regain your balance with.  I loved your story!
~Jamie


Dear Estelle, Sherrie and Geri,
Thanks so much for your kind words about "Stampede" and my efforts to compile a book of my humorous works. I'm so sorry my server was bouncing--it happens frustratingly often. Just ask Susan! :-) Happens to her all the time! I can't tell you how much it means to me to know that others are enjoying my work--thanks again!
God bless,
~Deb Simmons
dsimmons@remc8.k12.mi.us


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Funny Friday archives: www.2theheart.com/funny_friday/

To subscribe: FunnyFriday-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

To submit a humor story: Editor@2theheart.com

www.2theheart.com
Making a difference, one story at a time!