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July 20, 2001 - This is Why We Never Do It
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday, to start your weekend off with a chuckle!
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"If you're not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go
there." - Martin Luther
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"This is Why We Never Do It"
by Susan Fahncke
We hadn't done it in years. I mean, with all these kids, who has the time - or the energy? My husband announced last week that it was high time we did it and if we had to tie the kids to a tree, this weekend was IT.
Happily, I accepted this romantic invitation and spend two hundred dollars getting ready for it. Into the cart went the bare necessities. Marshmallows, chocolate, lots of fruit, tin foil, and oh yeah... mosquito repellent - lots of it! The more loaded my cart got, the more excited I became. I could already see the thousands of stars overhead, smell the clean mountain air and feel the cool river. Ah, camping. It had been too long since we were one with nature.
I looked forward to finally being able to use those nifty fold-up chairs we had given my husband last Christmas. And the brand new table-top tiki torches I bought on a whim. I couldn't wait!
Friday morning arrived, hot and sticky and we all looked forward to higher elevations and cool mountain breezes. Landing the perfect spot next to the river, complete with a shallow swimming hole, we unpacked and were happy as wasps on a watermelon.
After settling myself in one of the technologically-advanced fold-up chairs, soda in hand, feet lazily parked on the footrest, I began to let the beauty of nature relax me. I happened to breathe just ever so slightly in the incorrect direction and BAM! The chair folded up with me in it. My soda landed neatly upside down, lid intact, but being all folded up, it was hard for me to pick it up (A major priority for me - I NEED my Diet Coke). I only had one hand poking out of the chair, so all I could manage was to yell for help. Marty flopped around, laughing so hard that he couldn't help me get up (he claimed).
Eventually, I righted myself, the clearly dysfunctional chair, and saved my soda. What a woman! Feeling like a pioneer in the mountains of Utah, I now felt ready to deal with anything.
Next, our tiki torches caught fire, not just the wick, but the whole bamboo part. We had to douse them several times because periodically, they would just catch on fire again. And again. The flames spread well... like fire, straight down the side of the torches until one of us would realize it, and in panic-stricken hysteria trample, drown, or smack it out, only to have the whole thing begin again minutes later. The problem with this was, we needed those torches. Our camp swarmed with every type of flying insect, and the only things that seemed to keep them at bay were those blasted torches. Heck, they scared me too.
At last it was close to bedtime, and somebody (They all claim it was me, but I don't remember it that way at all.) had the bright idea of lighting sparklers. As if we didn't have enough fire in our camp. The children danced around, shooting sparklets leaping from their hands. It was wonderful, truly a Kodak moment. Until I heard Marty say "Uh, Sooz? Your butt is on fire."
Sure enough, my hiney had a little flame shooting out of it. I didn't even know! What does THAT say about the extra "padding" I have?! I immediately sat down, squashed it and was folded up in the chair again, all in one fell swoop. We figured my bum caught on fire because I was lighting sparklers for the kids and the embers must have somehow found their way to my bootie, thus starting it on fire. Burned a hole in that stupid chair too. Good.
Leaving my husband to get the three-year old to fall asleep in the tent, (Oh, right.) I sat outside with the other children, warming by the campfire and gazing upward at the summer night sky.
"BAT!" my fourteen-year old son screamed in a perfect Shirley Temple voice. "B-b-bat! Bat Bat!" He screeched, pointing to the treetops overhead. Squinting into the night sky, I couldn't see a thing. Wait, there was something. Several somethings. Wings spread, tiny heads and pointy ears. Yup, bats.
"BAAAATTTS!" I screamed, running and tripping my way to the tent, dragging the eight-year old behind me. "Bats, bats, bats!" I screamed until I ripped the zipper open and threw both kids inside, stumbling in and tightly zipping and napping every last form of nylon protection between us and those fanged freaks.
It was a nerve-wracking night; every noise seeming to be a bat-in-waiting. At long last morning came and we ended up having a wonderful day of hiking, waterfalls, eating dirt-covered food with our dirt-covered hands, and having a fun, but dirty day. As nightfall approached, we packed up and headed for home. Another night in the woods was more than I was willing to tolerate.
In the end, we had a little bit of disaster, a lot of fun, and came home exhausted, but closer as a family and with a new appreciation for God's beautiful creations. Showers, roofs, and stable chairs.
Susan Fahncke copyright 2001
Editor@2theheart.com
I am the creator and editor of 2theheart & Funny Friday and I love my job! I am also a busy writer, and my book "Angel's Legacy" was just released! I also co-authored "Whispers From Heaven For The Christmas Spirit", newly released as well! To see these and more of my writing projects, visit my page on 2theheart: http://www.2theheart.com/susan_fahncke/
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We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in thoseuniforms."
-- Elayne Boosler --
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The Letter Box:
Dear Funny Friday,
I LOVED Deb Simmon's "Stampede!" We live in rural Georgia and this story really hut home with me! I could just picture Deb's husband as she described him. Her humor is terrific!
~Estelle
Dear Susan,
I tried to write to Deb Simmons, but it bounced back, so could you please print my letter to her? (NOTE FROM SUSAN: Deb, I have the same problem and so does Kathe. Fix your email!!)
Dear Deb,
I have grown to look forward to your columns in Funny Friday. You do have a great way of expressing things that we all see but can't describe quite like you do! Your way with words has me laughing all the time. I loved "Stampede"! If you get your book published, I want one!
~Sherrie
Dear Funny Friday,
Stampede! was my first Funny Friday and I laughed and laughed! Now that your archives are up, I spent a great time reading all the former ones and had a ball! Deb Simmons is definitely gifted and when she gets a book done, I want to order one - let me know!
~Geri
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