 |
|
|
|
|
January 25, 2002 - Invasion of the Body Scratchers
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday, to start your weekend off with a chuckle!
Sorry this is going out late - Yahoo, my oh-so-wonderful list service held it for hours in their "pending" cyber files. Anyone know of a better list service???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Free ecards! Send a beautiful angel, friendship, birthday or
Valentine ecard from OhAngel, our sister site!
http://www.2theheart.com/free_ecards_
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil
before washing it. Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times. That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing me. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Invasion of the Body Scratchers"
by Deborah Simmons
I must be on somebody's hit list. I don't know who put me there or what I did to deserve it, but here I am, nevertheless. Of course,
being on a hit list doesn't mean you'll actually be knocked off by
the one who placed your name at the top of the roster. No, he just sits back and takes it easy while someone else does his dirty work. That's cowardly enough (in my book), but the guy who fingered me isn't even man enough to hire a human being to do the job.
No, he sent mosquitoes.
I'm not a big fan of itching and bloodsucking to begin with, so
sending hordes of ravenous, mean-spirited, snotty little devils after me was a stroke of genius--from a madman's point of view, at least.
Michigan is a beautiful state whose scenery and natural resources
rival any found throughout the world. The problem with living in the Great Lakes State, though, is a simple one: we have just two seasons--Winter and Mosquitoes--and neither one is a walk in the park (or lets you take a walk in the park, for that matter.) Winter (i.e., the months of November through April or May) is grim and consists of snow, ice, sleet, wind, clouds, more snow, slush, clouds, drifting, still more snow and of course, wind chills that can dip into the minus 40's. Mosquito season much is warmer and sunnier, but consists of... well, mosquitoes. Many, many mosquitoes. Millions and billions and trillions of mosquitoes. I've never actually stood outside our home and counted them, but I daresay the little sucker population in our backyard alone surpasses the number of stars in the heavens on a cloudless night
Why is it we don't mind grinding a mosquito into our car's upholstery and see nothing wrong with swerving all over the road for miles at a stretch in our attempts--mostly futile--to obliterate them? We wouldn't dream of squishing a fly into our velour chair at home or smearing bug guts on our leather couch. I wouldn't lean over into the back seat, crawl on my hands and knees under my steering wheel or stare up at the ceiling any other time I'm driving down the highway. But give me a single mosquito on a suicide mission and I'll put life and limb at risk to make his wish come true.
I can only imagine what would happen if a police officer stopped me.
P.O. (looking official): "Good morning, ma'am. Any idea why I
stopped you?"
Me (looking around): "Uh...'cause I'm in a ditch?"
P.O. (looking peeved): "Well, that's part of it. Notice anything
else?"
Me (looking sheepish): "Oh ye-a-a-h-h. I brought some people with me, right?"
P.O. (looking at the semi-truck laying on its side next to my van): "You could say that. What on earth were you doing?"
Me: (looking stupider-by-the-minute): "Mostly dodging, swerving, careening and swearing, I guess. It's hard to know exactly... I was standing on the backseat waving my umbrella."
P.O.: (starting to look like his initials): "What possible excuse
do you have for that kind of reckless behavior?"
Me: (looking defensive): "Well, there was this mosquito and..."
P.O. (looking apologetic): "Say no more, ma'am. You must be the lady on the hit list. Sorry about that." He tips his hat. "Have a
good day."
Me: (looking relieved): "Before you go, Officer, any leads on who
put me on his hit list?"
P.O. (looking compassionate): "No, ma'am, not yet, but he's a mean one, all right. If I were you, I'd lay low 'til winter."
I'm beginning to think that death may be my only escape from this
diabolical torture--but then I can't say whether or not mosquitoes
can be found in Heaven. I sincerely hope not, but that's not my call to make.
But if you ask me... they'd make a fine addition to the other place.
Deborah Simmons copyright 2001
simmons@pathwaynet.com
Deb is an extremely talented writer, who is a 2theheart Writer of the Month, author of many hilarious Funny Friday stories, writes for Dayspring inspirational greeting cards and is an all round terrific
lady! Grandomther to Dustin (who is ADORABLE!), she keeps very busy with her family, work, writing, handsome hubby and home renovations!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week's Funny Quotes:
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations."
David Friedman
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
Lily Tomlin
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gorgeous Valentine candles from CandleMart! Pink heart shapes roly poly candles in strawberry or cinnamon scents for only $3.49 each! Also check out the "melt your heart" candles - also with darling heart shapes inside! Floating heart candles in red, pink, white or ivory at only $1.99! And Candlemart's special 4 piece "Melt Your Heart" set is on sale at $9.99! Get a free candle with your order! http://www.qksrv.net/click-404250-55515
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Letter Box:
Dear Cori:
You are one brave woman! There is no way I could ever get through those tubes and ropes, nor would I even try! When my now-4 year old daughter was around 2, we went to McDonald's and she got stuck on one of the platforms. She kept going up and up and went too high and missed the tube. She panicked about not being able to find her way down, claustrophobic me was panicking that I'd have to crawl up and get her! Fortunately a brave young person decided to help her - and me. :) Madeline hasn't gotten stuck since! Thanks for a funny Friday story.
~Angi M.
maddamom@hotmail.com
Corina -- You are a NUT! Thanks for the chuckle! I considered joining my kids in those playlands several years ago, but could never quite bring myself to don those kneepads. After reading of your experience, I feel I have been exonerated and any trace of guilt that I was still carrying has been washed away! I will continue to find other ways to be a "Fun Mom" to my kids! :o)
Hugs,
~Kim Murray
Kim.Murray@potomachospital.com
Dear Cori,
I always sit back and watch my kids in the playland, and sometimes feel guilty for not joining them - I get this vision of myself stuck in there with my big butt requiring the "jaws of life" to get me out! Now I know I'm not alone - at least you got out without the jaws!!Thanks for making my day with a great laugh!
~Brenda
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
www.2theheart.com
Making a difference, one story at a time!
Funny Friday archives: www.2theheart.com/funny_friday/
Submit story: Editor@2theheart.com
To subscribe: FunnyFriday-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
FunnyFriday-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
|
|
|
|
|
| |
