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January 11, 2001 - Playing Possum
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!
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"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
~~Catherine Aird~~
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I'm not very good at writing funny stories, but this morning's episode sort of wrote itself. :-)
Playing Possum
by Susan Fahncke
My little girl's shrieks had me upstairs like a shot. "Mommy, there's an animal in the house!" Heart pounding, I ran up to see. Wildlife seems to habitually squeeze down our fireplace and into our house, scaring the life out of me. Taking one look at the curled up furry thing next to our fireplace, I grabbed both kids (and the kitten) and herded them back downstairs to my bedroom, slamming and locking the door behind us. For good measure, I stuffed a towel along the crack at the bottom of the door, to make sure it couldn't get in and get us.
Hands shaking, I grabbed up the phone to call Animal Control. Realizing I didn't know the number and that the phone book was upstairs where the animal was, I opened the door and crept back upstairs. Peering over the couch, I could see it, curled up in the same spot. I couldn't tell exactly what it was, but I knew it would bite my hand off and give me rabies if I got any closer. It looked like maybe a possum or a ferret. A ferret? How the heck would THAT get into our house? Trying to get a closer look, I began to feel sweat trickle down my back. My heart was pounding so loud I was sure it would wake up the animal - whatever it was. Deciding to forget the phone book and the closer look, I scurried back down to the children and paid the fifty cents to call information.
Once I had Animal Control on the phone, they informed me that they "didn't do that sort of thing". Apparently they only catch cats and dogs, and told me to call the Wildlife Division of services. When they opened, which was "later". Pleading with them to please come and take
this thing away, I described how my children and I were hiding downstairs and that we were afraid to go anywhere else in the house. Finally feeling sorry for me, the woman said she would send someone out as soon as they checked in, but it might be a while.
Eyeing the gun safe, I toyed with the idea of getting out my husband's handgun and simply shooting it. What would that do to the carpet? Deciding against the gun, and not knowing what else to do, I called my husband, who is working 700 miles away. "What does it look like?" he calmly asked. I crept back upstairs, squinted at it, and told him it was a goldeny-brownish-tanish color. "It's curled up, kind of like a cat, so I can't really tell. I think it's a possum, though. Or maybe a ferret."
"A FERRET? Honey, go chase it out the back door with a broom." Big help he was.
"I'm going to go now and poke it." I told him. "I think it's sick or something because it hasn't even moved since we found it." Heart thumping, I hung up, grabbed the broom, pulled on ski gloves, and with knees wobbling, tiptoed over to the ferret/possum. Using the end of the broom handle, I gently poked it. Nothing. Realizing it must be dead, I felt sickened that this poor animal had probably crawled in through my fireplace and died in my living room. So I poked it again. Still nothing.
Then I realized the possum/ferret didn't have a face that I could see. Where were its eyes? Where was its nose? Poking it again, I lifted one end with the broom handle. Just a fuzzy tail. Must be the back end. So I lifted the other "end". Same thing. Two back ends? What a freak of nature, no wonder it's dead.
Suddenly the freak of nature began to look familiar to me. Poking it around a few more times, I realized it looked a lot like my son's souvenir from Scout camp - his prized fox tail. It looked EXACTLY like my son's fox tail. I made Maya come upstairs and pick it up, just to make sure. Laughing, she held the thing by one end and said "OHMYGOSHMOM, it's Nick's fox tail!" Tossing it into her brother's room, she laughed at her mother with the chalky-white face, crazed eyes, ski gloves, and the broom. She collapsed into a fit of giggles onto the floor.
Realizing Animal Control was coming, I hurriedly called again. "Um, yeah. Hi. I called about the wild animal in my living room earlier?" My voice squeaked out.
"Yes, we have someone on the way. He should be there any minute." The woman assured me.
"Uh, well, yeah.. See, um, he's gone now. He . ran out the back door." I could feel Maya's eyes on me as she heard her mother tell a complete lie.
"Okay, we'll let the officer know." The woman sounded as if she knew I was lying.
Looking out my window, I spotted the white truck with "Animal Control" painted on the side. "Shoot!" Hiding behind the curtains, I watched and waited, praying that he wouldn't come to the door. Finally I watched as the truck pulled away.
Heaving a sigh of relief, I collapsed onto the couch to try and regain control of my shaking body and pounding heart. Maya, still laughing, went off to school. Now I just needed to call my husband and explain what the dangerous and scary wild animal really was. Boy, I'm glad I
didn't shoot it.
Susan Fahncke
Editor@2theheart.com
I am the founder and editor of 2TheHeart & Funny Friday. I live in Utah and am a wife, mother, freelance writer, sign language teacher (volunteer), wildlife wrangler (not really) and gardener. To see more of my writing, visit www.2theheart.com/susan_fahncke/
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"No day is so bad it can't be fixed with a nap."
~~Carrie Snow~~
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The Letter Box:
OH, THAT CRAZY GIRL, ANNE, AND HER THREE-CORNERED PANTIES, AS WE USED TO CALL THEM IN THE DARK AGES. I KEPT WONDERING WHAT THE BACK SEAT FULL OF BABY ITEMS HAD TO DO WITH THIS STORY. AMBIGUOUSLY CLEVER I'D SAY, ANNE. THOT I'D WET MY DIDIES I LAUGHED SO HARD, OUT LOUD THAT IS. GIVE US ANOTHER LIFESTYLE (TAIL) SOON! KATH, MT.
Loved the story by Anne! Can just picture the whole scene :-)
~Kay Jones
Anne,
Your story was so funny it got passed around our office - to all 47 of us! You have quite a hand with humor - keep it up.
~Jan Schaeffer
Hey Suz,
That was a GOOD one!
~Shirley Platt
Submit your funny stories to: Editor@2theheart.com
Feel free to pass this on to your friends!
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