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October 16, 2002 - "Something I Need to Tell You"
Welcome to 2TheHeart!
"Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent." ~Jean Kerr
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I am so pleased to share another story from fellow Chemo Angel, Amy Toohill. Send Amy an email!
"Something I Need To Tell You"
by Amy Toohill
Growing up, she was always there. When I was younger, I always introduced her as my mom and dad's friend. As I got older, she simply became "my friend". Her name was Jean.
As a child, you don't always notice things until they become obvious. So, early on, I never really saw her struggles. I didn't notice the slurred speech, or how she hung on to chairs and counters as she walked through a room. I was busy playing with dolls and just being a kid. Besides, Jean was my mom and dad's friend... why would I notice?
As the years went by, it was hard not to notice the changes, there were so many: her balance, her coordination, and her speech. The older I got, the more I learned. Jean had Ataxia, a form of Multiple Sclerosis. It's a cruel disease that attacks your muscles, one by one, until you are no longer able to move. The cruelest part of this disease is that your mind is never affected, so when everything else is gone, your mind is still intact. That was Jean's worst fear. Being trapped in a body that couldn't do anything, and yet still know everything that's going on.
When I was fifteen years old I starting experiencing a lot of health problems. I had pain, fatigue, dizziness, and tingling sensations. I saw doctor after doctor. I was tested for every awful disease imaginable, including MS. Many times Jean would express concern because she recognized the symptoms.
I was only fifteen years old; I didn't want to even consider that I could have what Jean had. I did not want to be like her! I didn't want to know how similar my symptoms were to Jeans when her disease began. I didn't want to know that her tests also came up negative until the disease progressed further. I didn't want to know!
Like any fifteen-year old who has a problem, my way of dealing with it was to avoid it. I distanced myself from Jean. I was nothing like her, we had nothing in common! I wouldn't hear or think anything otherwise. Although I'm sure it hurt Jeans feelings, she never let on. She just gave me the space I needed to deal with the fear of the unknown. After eight years of doctors and tests, at the age of twenty-three, I was finally diagnosed with a condition called Fibromyalgia. I am still periodically tested for MS, so it continues to be a genuine fear of mine.
Jean's condition continued to worsen each year. It was hard to see such a beautiful person struggle so much. She handled it all with so much dignity and strength. Never complaining, never asking "why me?" As I got older we began to get close again. I started to see her in a different light. Maturity seems to do that to a person. When I looked at her and saw all she struggled with I had so much admiration for her and how she gracefully accepted a life filled with so much uncertainty. What strength!
Jean was one of those people who just seemed to light up every room she walked in. She had a beautiful smile and a contagious laugh. Oh, how I loved to hear her laugh! Although the outside of her was constantly changing, the inside stayed the same. As she went from canes to a walker to rarely leaving the house, I never saw her without a smile.
Sadly, one fall day, Jean suffered a massive stroke. They did emergency surgery on her, but her prognosis wasn't good. I went to see her one day at the hospital. I walked into her room in ICU and I didn't even recognize her. She couldn't move and she couldn't talk, but she knew everything that was going on. Although different circumstances brought her to this point, it was so heartbreaking to see that she was right where she always feared she'd be. I'll never forget her eyes. They didn't have that sparkle that they always had. Her eyes had a look of such fear and sadness.
I entered the room and walked up along side her bed, and when she saw me her head tipped back and her mouth opened. There were no sounds and there were no tears, but I knew she was crying. They call that the silent cry. I took her hand and placed it in mine. I told her how very much I loved her and how special she was to me. Then I leaned in real close to her and whispered, "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time now. Something I need you to know... I want to be just like you!" I didn't need to say any more, she knew what I meant.
On October 2nd, 2000 one week after I saw her, Jean passed away.
It's ironic, the person I fought so hard to not be like was the one person I admired the most. Jean walked through her struggles with such dignity and hope. She taught me how to trust and have confidence during my times of sorrow and medical difficulties. She lived and loved deeply and she helped me find the source of my own inner strength through her example. Jean influenced my life with her love and goodness. She still continues to affect who I am and what I do. I'm a better person because of her. No matter what lies ahead for me, if I can confront it with the strength and pride that Jean faced her struggles with, then I know I'll be ok.
Amy Toohill copyright 2002
tfarmz@farmwagon.com
I live in DeWitt, Illinois with my husband Bob, of seven years. This is the second story I've written for 2TheHeart. The first one was called "His Gift To Me" about my father. I got such wonderful feedback, I decided to try it again! Hope you like it!
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2THEHEART BIRTHDAY CLUB!
Happy Birthday to:
Marsha Jakubiak Oct 8 Lucky73199@hotmail.com
Allison Oct 17 Kityez@aol.com
Send these ladies lots of birthday wishes!
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The Letter Box:
Susan, this is your absolute best! I could see it all unfolding, everything, along with the feelings of you and the kids.. I will never look at a homeless person with a dog in quite the same way. Thanks for being you.
Joan Wester Anderson
I think after "Wubber Women" "The Tattooed Stranger is one of my favorites of Susan's stories. (ok I admit I love them all) I was recently telling my sister-in-law what makes Susan different from most people. We all have good intentions and think about helping others but she does it without thinking about it. I in all honesty would have wanted to help that stranger but probaly would have made all kinds of excuses why I didn't.A true giver gives from the heart and never realizes how much they actually did. You Susan are a True Giver.
Love Jane Ludwig
ludferg@aol.com
Susan, that story tore my heart out. I so look forward to your inspirational stories. And I too have read Guidepost magazine for years and never miss getting my Daily Guidepost devotional book each year. Thanks for caring enough to bring us these stories.
Marilyn
JUST A COUPLE OF SENTENCES.... YOU ARE A POWERHOUSE !!!. YOU ARE WISE BEYOND YOUR YEARS.. THANKS FOR ALL YOUR STORIES.
AUDREY
A4DOGCAFE@AOL.COM
Oh Susan, this story about the Tattooed Stranger just about broke my heart. It made me stop and think as well. May God help and have mercy on those poor homeless souls. I truly thank Him from the bottom of my heart for my blessings. Thank you so for the wonderful reminder!!!! Love, DeeDee.......(){:)
Susan...you not only blessed the tattooed man with your helpfulness but you touched the heart of God with your love of mankind. You taught compassion to your children and showed kindness to others passing by. One good deed that comes from the heart can cause waves of love reaching far upon the beaches of humanity. If we all would do the things Jesus done everyday He walked up on this earth, the oceans could not contain the goodness and love, and would wash away the needs of man. A wonderful story that should make us all ask, " What can I do to make a difference?"
Betty King
I sat in wonder as you spoke and thought back to how many times I have just 'driven by' when I saw these people on the side of the road. Thanks for the reminder that we should look past the tatoos and see whats really there. {{{Susan}}}
Susan Spence
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