Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!

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"A friend of mine told me to shoot first and ask questions later. I was going to ask him why, but I had to shoot him." - John Wayne

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Today's story reminded me of my "possum" intruder in the Funny Friday archives, and having "been there", I could easily envision Billie's fright. This story should definitely serve as a warning about keeping a weapon... or a cookie sheet handy at all times!



"My Intruder"
by Billie Timmons


My new husband and I had only been married for a few months.  My darling, Eugene, worked nights.  He left the house at 10:30 pm and returned shortly after 7 am.  I wasn't too terribly fond of staying by myself all night, but I did alright.  I'm the kind of person that if I hear a strange noise I cannot rest until I find its source.

Most nights, after my darling honey left for work, I would stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning so I could sleep late with him.  One night, a few months into our marriage, I decided to turn in early.  I went to bed around midnight.  As I was just about to doze off, I heard something.  It sounded as if someone had fallen over my coffee table in the livingroom.  A few seconds of silence and then he got up and stumbled over it again!  I was frozen with fear.  I didn't know what to do.  I usually had one or both of my sisters with me when I heard strange noises.  Having them with me gave me the confidence to go investigate.  This time I was all alone!  I lay in the bed with the covers up to my chin trying to decide what to do.  My cordless phone was in the livingroom, of all places, and my little handgun was in the car.  They were of no use to me there so I had to think of something else.

Meanwhile, my intruder decided not to get up and fall over my coffee table a third time..or he realized he needed to walk around it!  Then it hit me...I received a butcher block of knives as a wedding gift.  The big knife was in the middle of it on the kitchen counter.  I eased out of the bed and tip-toed out of the bedroom, rounding the corner into the dining room.  I had my eyes closed hoping I wouldn't run into the
intruder...as if that would help somehow!  I felt for the big knife and eased it out of the holder.  I felt ten feet tall and bullet-proof then!

I went back to my bedroom and sat on the foot of the bed contemplating whether or not I should turn on the lights and go through the house.  I decided it was either that or I was going to sit on the foot of the bed the remainder of the night!  I turned the bedroom light on and continued through the house.  I saw no sign of an intruder...the coffee table was
exactly where I had left it.  There was one room left to check.  The bedroom off of the livingroom that we used as a junkroom!  I couldn't bring myself to go in there because the light switch was behind the door.  Behind the door would be exactly where he would be hiding.  I just couldn't imagine putting my hand in the middle of his chest while reaching for the light switch.

I grabbed my cordless phone and proceeded back to my bedroom with the big knife.  Needless to say, I slept not a wink that night!  I heard my wonderful husband pull in the driveway at 7:10 am.  I met him at the door with the phone in one hand and the big knife in the other.  I told him of my adventure and, of course, he laughed about it and looked all
around the outside of the house for footprints just to make me feel better.  He told me it was just my imagination.

Several days later, I was reaching for a can of biscuits in the
refrigerator.  The can was opened and there were two missing.  I thought it was odd that Eugene would just cook two biscuits.  Why on earth would he pry the end of the can off instead of opening it the normal way?  I mentioned it to him later that morning and he informed me that it was not him and that he thought I had done that.  It was then that I
realized that my intruder was an exploding can of biscuits!  My intruders first trip over my coffee table was when the can blew.  His second stumble was when the lid rattled down between the wire rack shelves.  It took a while for me to live that one down and I think about that night and laugh every time I reach for a can of biscuits!


Billie Timmons
mtimmons@bellsouth.net

I am a stay-at-home mom of 2 beautiful children and a handsome husband!  This story is part of a book of memoirs that I am making for my children beginning with our first date.  It will be a continuous work in progress.  It will not only consist of stories that will make them laugh but also stories that will touch their hearts and I know they will love it!  Visit our family webpage at www.geocities.com/barber_butch

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"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
- Douglas Adams

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The Letter Box:


Dear Ken,
Your story "Bad Day" was the funniest I have ever read! Being a "big" man myself, I could perfectly picture the whole thing and laughed until my boss poked his head in to see what was so funny. Eventually your story was passed around our office and the office across the hall. Everyone had a good laugh and told me to send them your next story! Thanks for sharing that little adventure with us. By the way, Susan - my
family also gets a kick out of horn-honking to scare the beegeebers out of each other. It seems to be something a lot of families share. Anyone else out there do this? (My wife says she's going to need a pacemaker if I don't stop doing that to her, but I can't.)
~Jeff Hall
Wisconsin


Dear Funny Friday,
Oh my! "Bad Day" had me in hysterics and I kept cracking up throughout the day at this one! Thrn when my son ordered orange drink with his pizza Friday night, I started laughing all over again and had to tell my whole family about your story. Thanks for a very Funny Friday!
~Jill Beane


Dear Funny Friday,
I just had to write and say how hilarious "Bad Day" was! It had me laughing from the first line all the way through. Ken is a clever writer and this situation was a gem to share! I passed it on to everyone I know and they all loved it as much as I did! Great story!
~J.B. Collins


Dear Susan,
Your Funny Friday stories just keep getting better and better! I particularly enjoyed last week's by Kenneth Pierpont. What a hilarious story that was! He's a very funny writer and I hope we get to see more from him.
~Sandy K.


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