Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise." ~Chauncey Depew~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Introducing 2TheHeart's own line of T-Shirts, sweatshirts, mugs & mousepads!!! Our online store makes shopping easy, and all of our products have a 30 day, money back guarantee! Can't beat that! Look for our 2TheHeart Writers Store next week!
Visit our store at: http://www.cafepress.com/2theheart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I kinda thought she should have just let them take the tires. Must be my mean bone!
THAT MEAN BONE
by Kathe Campbell
"He doesn't have a mean bone in his body," it's often said.
Just what is this mean bone thing anyway? Well, at it's worst it's contempt, ill temperament, and an emotional killer. Human dignity is destroyed and it seems to pop up for no good reason but may have been stewing deep within for some time. Inhumane mean-boned deeds are, or should be, unacceptable amongst civilized folks. On the lighter side the mean bone takes on the more common flavor of spite resulting in mean spirited behavior.
Now don't tell me you don't have this kind of mean bone! I'm absolutely convinced that all of us were born with some semblance of a mean bone. Everyone who emotes, associates, conversates, cogitates, irritates, and sensuates (my new word) will eventually succumb to that mean bone impulse. Mean bones flair up in all manner of guise.
Most of us find our "spiteful" mean bones as children, about the age of reasoning. I recall mine first appeared in the dark ages at about six or seven when my best friend and I erected a cold drink stand from orange crates. I reasoned that when she called me a "mashed potato dodo" that I should waste no time pouring the entire pitcher of grape Kool-aid on her head. My dear mother reasoned that more than my mean bone regretted the incident.
Have you ever noticed how mean bones lie in close proximity to other bones? Maybe your "funny bone?" As my Kate turned four she developed an extraordinary yen for money, and lots of it. On a family trip she noted a car off the road with a man's head tilted back as if resting. Her mean little bone overpowered her when she insisted the man was a gonner and we should take all the money out of his pockets and spend it.
Just hours later, at the hot and bubbling, toil and troubling pools in Yellowstone Park, she spied two habited nuns sightseeing along the boardwalks. She shrieked, "what are those witches doing here, dad?" My consternation turned to utter relief when the ladies chuckled politely at my husband's precocious child.
The "regrettable" mean bone creates mean streaks that flair up and then backfire miserably as when I refused my daughters money for a candy trip to the corner store explaining that too many sweets brings on the dreaded "collywobbles." This fell on deaf ears and the two did the
inevitable. They liberated their older brother's prized coin collection and made tracks up the alley. Both their little mean bones backfired in the form of two very sick puppies that night. Valued lessons befall our grandchildren as they watch their 40 year old mothers still replacing Uncle Tim's coins each Christmas.
It's easy to forgive the very young, and in fact, we may not even want to saddle them with this mean bone stuff. However, periodically our young teens surrender to the dreaded "undignified" mean bone, as with two of our granddaughters who tearfully resorted to a name-calling episode in the bathroom. Eventually that mean bone feeling overwhelmed the older of the two. She reached into the laundry hamper, pulled out some underwear and promptly stuffed it in her sister's mouth. Since the deed culminated in a complete lack of dignity for both the victim and the villain, we adults witnessed absolute redemption and returned to our movie holding our stomachs in uproarious pain and uttering nary a word.
I'm convinced the "I wish I was dead" mean bone exhibits mean spirits and constitutes adult mean bones running amok. Two sets of mean bones can sometimes result in the guilty conscience of at least one, I hope.
Recently I relented to one of my happy homemaker moments by loading the truck with a dozen or so old tires for the dump. All were wrapped in white protective plastic bags our local tire center provides, and I suppose for all intents and purposes, it appeared I was hauling a truck load of brand new tires. Upon returning to my vehicle after a quick errand in Wal-mart, I stopped in my tracks in utter disbelief. Two dirty and sleazy looking men were transferring my tires into their ratty old truck. My spiteful mean bone quickly engaged with the thought that I now wouldn't have to trek to the dump and pay the exorbitant tire fee. "Okay, that'll work," I mused, until I pondered where my throw-aways might end up. In someone's back yard or as ugly trash in a pristine place? Horrors! So, upon retrieving dull senses, I strode over to the
fellas, informed them they were liberating old recaps and then watched the pinkish flush of the "I wish I was dead" mean bone wash over both their faces. Wal-mart's shopping cart attendant observed the deed and offered to call the law.
The thieves were escorted to the dump with their prize packages where they paid the dumping fee. Hallelujah!!!
"Remember, people will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. You may have a heart of gold -- but so does a hard-boiled egg!"
Kathe Campbell
Bigskyadj@in-tch.com
Author's note: Did you know that until just a few years ago one might observe a real western gun battle between honest-to-goodness mean boned bandits on the streets of any of the more rural communities in Montana? I also believe we are probably the last state to dispense with hangings in front of the court house. Guess the more seriously minded mean boned folks can be grateful for newfangled laws.
Copyright 2001 -Kathe Campbell
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
March Madness sale! ALL Mary Kay products are 30%-50% when you order through Kay Jones this month! View her site to see products (listed at regular price)and then email her for this great discount! Beauty is just a click away www.marykay.com/kjones17
Kayjones@trailnet.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Letter Box:
Funny Friday,
I loved today's story. I too HATE snakes. I don't try to figure out if they are good or bad, the only good snake is a dead snake and I'll only take a quick glance at that. I had an "incident" that really brought me chills. A few summers ago, early one morning after I had gotten my husband off for work, returned to the kitchen to do some work. I noticed an odd cord along the wall. I looked like one of those old cord that was wrapped in what looked like shoestrings with stripes across it. Remember those? WELL, as I bent down to look closer at it and try to figure out which appliance was that old, it moved and I SCREAMED.
My screams woke my two children and nephew who had stayed all night. My son (then 16) was going to be the hero. He ran into the bedroom, got his father's keys to the gun cabinet and grabbed the hunting rifle. I really started yelling then. See, we built and live in a basement home and the wall that the snake was on was one of the concrete walls. I convinced him that he couldn't shoot it. Thankfully, my nephew found a broom, hooked the snake, ( it wasn't very big) and took it outside. I stayed outside for most of the day. When my husband got home from work, I met him at his truck and asked, "Which realtor do you want to use?" He didn't agree that we needed to move and thankfully, no more snakes have tried to take up residence. Keep up the great stories. I enjoy both of your mailings. May God bless you.
~Janet Reynolds reyn@shawneelink.net
Dear Susan,
Re: The Hiss of Death, I too have had my run-in with a copperheadedcottonmoccosinwaterrattler. The very polite policeman tried to convince me that it was a harmless black snake, but any sane person knows that copperheadedcottonmoccisinwaterrattlers are not harmless, but are out to get us! Keep up the good work trying to keep us safe from big hairy spiders, snakes, and other dangers that arelurking out there to get us.
Rita rita65560@yahoo.com
Dear Deb,
You write a great story but you are too hard on those poor snakes and spiders. Except for the "original" snake, they are not all that bad. They sure keep your garden free of gophers, mice and moles. I use to play with a great snake, a python, apt.y named, Julius Squeezer. He was harmless and very misunderstood. And if you have never tasted rattlesnake you are missing out on something. It's better than Rocky Mountain Oysters! Keep up the good writing and just for fun, take a snake to lunch someday or have one for lunch.
Chuck Dishno
dishgov@cybertrails.com
Dear Deb,
This was absolutely hilarious! The funniest thing ever! I hope you won't look too unkindly toward Sam & family...if I had my "druther's" I would opt for Sam in lieu of the spiders, (as long as he kept his place outside & as far as possible away from me)...in a sort of live & let live situation. He after all, is probably primarily responsible for keeping the nasty spider population down somewhat. I don't usually save the funny/fun things as a rule, as my file is filled to overflowing as it is, but this account is a keeper! I'm sure I'll go back & read & re-read it again! Thanks for giving me & many countless others a chuckle.
Linda Carlson jljc@netins.net
Hi Deborah....You had me in hysterics. Now you know why we live in the mountains of Montana. No self-respecting reptile would dare raise it's ugly head at 7000 feet.
Kath, Mt. bigskyadj@in-tch.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gifts from the heart that nourish the soul! Comfort Kits offer true healing, thoughtful gift ideas and self-help resources for all of life's difficult challenges. With themes of Mind & Spirit, Angel kits, Stress Busters, Forever Friends, Heal your body, & gobs more, this unique and caring gift will lift the spirits and soothe the soul - truly gifts
2TheHeart! http://www.qksrv.net/image-404250-156304
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Submit your funny stories to: Editor@2theheart.com
Feel free to pass this on to your friends!
