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April 6, 2001 - Lap of Luxury
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!
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"You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive."
~Unknown~
This week's Funny Friday story is by Deb Simmons, whose hilarious experience with her cool new car.
"Lap of Luxury"
by Deborah Dee Simmons
There are times when I wonder if I'm smart enough to live in this day and age. Nothing pointed out that fact quite as well as when we bought a new car recently. (Well, it's new to us. Actually, it's a 1997 Oldsmobile Silhouette van, but when you've been driving a 1986 Dodge Caravan, anything from the 90's is considered new.)
The old van, which was usually reliable and--best of all--completely paid for, had served us well over the past couple of years, but it finally gave up the ghost. I'm not much of a mechanic, but the billowing clouds of black smoke, the stench of gasoline and exhaust fumes, the ominous clanking of what sounded like loose metal engine parts, and the prayers I had to utter each time I started it up were pretty clear indications that this van was junkyard-bound.
Our search for a new vehicle turned up several possibilities, but none grabbed my attention like the Silhouette. From the moment we stepped inside for a test drive, I knew this was the vehicle for me. I couldn't believe the gadgets they've come up with since we last owned a fairly new vehicle. While the old van had a steering wheel, four tires and the
usual options--wipers (on sunny days), radio (on rainy days) and a heater and air conditioner (during the exact opposite seasons I needed them)--the Silhouette has them all--ALL OF THE TIME. Everything works--not just when they feel like it--but whenever I ask them to work. Amazing.
The Silhouette sports power windows, power locks and plush bucket seats that move up, down, forward and backward--and are far more comfortable than our living room furniture. The AM/FM radio can be programmed for 12 FM or 6 AM stations, which is about 17 more stations than I'll ever
use. The CD player will do everything but remove the disk from its case (and it would probably do that if I took the time to read the manual). It has "auto tone," a nifty feature that accommodates country, jazz, news, rock, or classical radio and the volume adjusts automatically to compensate for road noise. No more reaching over and actually turning that little dial thing. No sirree. None of that hard work for me.
It also has a Digital Information Center that tells us (in English or Metric) in which direction we're heading, the outside temperature, miles-per-gallon (average or on-the-spot), the number of gallons of gasoline used, the number of miles we can still go, and our average speed. It has a security system I haven't cracked yet and remote locks
I can't get the hang of. The power slide side door opens with not only the remote control gadget on the keyring, but a button on the inside of the door and one on the control panel by the driver--just in case you might be more than a foot away from one or the other. Talk about overkill.
How did I survive without this van? Silly me--I used to stick my head out the window to judge the temperature, look at the gas gauge to estimate the amount of fuel I had left--or do it the hard way and just drive until I ran out-- and figured my gas mileage with a pen stolen from a drive-through window at the bank and an old napkin. My security system consisted of locking the doors (manually), rolling up the windows
(manually) or leaving the kids in the car.
Do I deserve all this luxury? Of course not. Will I keep it? You bet your boots I will. Am I smart enough to use it? Probably not. I'm more of a meat and potatoes kind of driver. Give me something simple and I can probably handle it. Give me something exotic, luxurious or the slightest bit complicated and I freeze up like a deer in the headlights. The first thing I did during my inaugural drive was to lock myself in. It took me a good five minutes to find the manual switch to open the driver's side door. I'm glad I wasn't sitting on the railroad tracks.
The second thing I did was to lock myself out. Nothing says, "I'm a dummy" quite like pushing your remote key like a "cool" person and discovering you're not only not cool, you're downright dimwitted. After six or eight nonchalant pushes, I began to get a little nervous. I did manage (somehow) to activate the power sliding door on the other side of the van, as well as the horn alarm system, which would have been neat if I were being mugged or wanted to leap over the van and enter through the sliding door. Unfortunately, neither was the case. Purely by accident, I shut the alarm off and got the door to close. I finally remembered I could actually insert the key into the latch on the driver's door and unlock it the old fashioned way. Chagrined (and a lot less "cool" than
I was a few minutes before), I managed to open the door and slink away.
I can only imagine the innovations the car manufacturers ave come up with since this van was built. I guess I'll find out in 13 or 14 years. In the meantime, I've decided we've stumbled upon the automotive equivalent of the space shuttle. From now on, before I prepare for blast-off in the morning, I'm going to contact Mission Control.
Deb Simmons
dsimmons@remc8.k12.mi.us
Deb can be found blasting off from Ionia, Michigan, where she lives with her husband, John, works as a fulltime secretary, and writes a regular newspaper column. Other stories by Deb on "2theHeart" include "Grandma and the General," "Thanks for the Memories," and "Lessons in Love." Her Funny Friday last month entitled "Hiss of Death" was a huge hit and can be found in the Funny Friday archives.
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"I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance." - Rita Rudner
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The Letter Box: **Sorry folks - I had to edit a few of these. They made even me sick! :-)
Dear Linda Ferris,
I laughed till I thought I would wet myself at your funny friday story!!!! When my brother and I were in my teens, he was unable to "hock a loogie", so it was up to me, his tomboy sister, to teach him. After a lot of practice, the best he could do was dribble down his chin and I was rolling on the ground laughing. To this day he is hock-impaired and I get my kids to ask their uncle to teach them how to hock one up just to get a good laugh at him again!
~Janice
Dear Linda,
I read your story this morning - before breakfast, fortunately! It reminded me of an old friend of mine who took his ancient uncle for a drive in his car. the uncle was a bronchitic in those days before penicillin put a stop to people emptying their lungs in the streets and on public transport. Getting up half lungful of gloop the uncle aimed it straight out of the window only to discover to everyone's discomfort and disgust that the window was firmly closed.
Happy memories! Ronnie Bray Quill@prodigy.net
Hi Linda,
I hope I didn't wake up my husband laughing at your story. That was hilarious" Mother's and sons must be a special combo. We raised three girls, they would have died before
telling me to spit out the window. "EEWUUU!" I hope you have more of these wonderful stories, and you are planning to share them with us.
~Pat Lowe pawlowe@televar.com
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