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July 31, 2001 - Dink's Hugs
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"Hugs are the universal medicine"
~~Unknown~~
When I first read today's story, I was captivated by the spirit of such an incredible woman. The power of one is indeed a force to be reckoned with.
"Dink's Hugs"
by Alan Coleman
By the time my wife, Dink (a life long family nickname), sent this message to me, Lou Gehrig's Disease had completely robbed her of the ability to use her sweet Southern drawl. Consequently, the morning interactions we traditionally had while getting ready to go to work were replaced by emails that she would send to me later in the day. A few months after she passed away - her Victory Day over the disease - I decided to print hard copies of all her messages so I could share them with her family. Realizing that not everyone would be familiar with all of the references she made, I added some explanation and background to her words. The following is from that collection.
Date: 26 Oct 1998
Mornin' Al,
Well, it's Monday! Time renewed! Another chance to make a difference in those precious little minds. Go forth and conquer.
I just can't stand it. No spooning last night and precious little snuggling. Was it.......your nose? Or did I have B-O? We'll have to work on that. I have to have adequate snuggle factor in my blood before I can face all those pining for a hug.
The dishwasher is going, the washing machine will do the same soon, the eggs are cooked, but I haven't showered or done my 45 things a female does after the shower and medication taking. I'll sprint for the clock again today. But it is so nice in the afternoon not to have to expend my subtotal energy on those other things.
I'll go now. I feel better after talking to you. Have an exceptional day to start off an amazing week. I love you more each day in new and wonderful ways and areas.
Knock'em dead!
Dink
Dink had gone through quite a transformation in the last several years and I think the disease served to accelerate and accentuate those changes. In the early years of our marriage, she had not been what you would call a "people person." She shied away from groups of people, preferring to be alone or with just the kids and me. Sometimes she even had a hard time being comfortable when we would get together with our immediate families.
This always struck me as very confusing because she was such an outstanding nurse. She could get crotchety old men and women to totally relax and cooperate when other nurses and doctors seemed only to agitate them. She was known for doing small things like mini-massages that would go beyond medical protocol and add tremendously to the patients' comfort. She seemed to have a natural knack for recognizing the anxiety that a new nurse felt and she would take this person under her wing and make sure they had a successful entry into the profession. It seemed like the professional uniform validated her in some way that social life did not.
In the past few years though, she began to change and it all started with her hugs. She had always been aware of the power of a hug and at some point she began giving hugs to her older patients when they left the hospital. Then she decided there was no reason to wait until they left, so she began giving them hugs as part of her nursing care. Hugging the patients lead to hugging their families, many of whomalready thought she was wonderful because of the high level of personal comfort she tried to achieve for their loved one. Hugging the older patients also lead to hugging the senior volunteers at the hospital which lead to hugging other staff members. I can remember going to the hospital to eat lunch with her, long before she was sick, and it would take ten minutes to walk to the cafeteria because she had to stop and hug everyone we saw along the way.
As all of this was developing, we began seeing former patients and their families around town and, of course, a hug-fest would ensue. Then it got to the point that on Sunday mornings we would have to get to the church sanctuary early so she could go around the entire room and give everyone a hug.
About this time, people started talking about "Dink's Hugs." "Have you had yours today?" they would ask each other. We would always be the last ones to leave church because so many people would line up to get another hug. She began referring to all of this as her "Hug Ministry" and it's absolutely amazing how effective it was.
A couple of months before she wrote this message, we went shopping at a local grocery store. The lady at the cash register was relatively new at that store and was having a tough time getting products to scan properly, so it was taking her a long time to get each person checked-out and on their way. You could see the frustration, and even embarrassment, on her face as her line of customers kept growing. To make things worse, when we stepped up to her counter she had a hard time understanding Dink's electronic communication device. Then, after she totaled our groceries, the debit-card machine malfunctioned. It was unmistakably obvious that this poor lady had reached her last straw.
Very calmly, Dink stepped around the check-out counter, which unnerved the lady a bit more, then gave her a huge hug. The lady's entire affect was transformed. You could literally see her change as she released a deep sigh and exhaled all of those pent up frustrations. Unable to say a word, Dink had indeed ministered to this lady.
I don't know how many other strangers Dink may have hugged before she was no longer able, but I'm astonished that those hugs, as well as all of the others she gave, were being given by a person who, at one time, wouldn't even make eye contact with most of the people she met.
Alan Coleman
bigal@teamflamingo.com
A former high school teacher, I was Dink's primary caregiver during her two-and-a-half year battle with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis. Currently, I am in the process of developing The Barnabas Project, an idea Dink originated, which will provide support services for ALS family caregivers as well as mission team support for a children's home and adoption service in Quetzaltenango, Guatemala.
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Send all letters for the Letter Box to Editor@2theheart.com, or leave a note on our "Heart Notes" page! http://www.2theheart.com/heart_notes_/
The Letter Box:
Susan,
Please pass on to Maxine my prayers that she is doing well with God's loving touch. Her stories are wonderful as are yours.
Love in Jesus name,
~Sharon
2theheart,
I felt a jolt when I read "Never Too Old" this morning. I am ashamed to say that I saw a little of myself in that abusive old man. I often use a tone and language with my family that I wouldn't use on a stranger. Your story woke me up and reminded me that words can be weapons that can do permanent damage. I pray that it is not too late for me to turn myself around. Thank you, thank you for this story. Sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective to see ourselves the way we really are. Please pray for me.
~Name withheld in Quebec, Canada
2theheart,
My father is very much like the man in the story today. I cried when I read how Deb was affected by hearing his treatment of his wife and how his words hurt. I've witnessed firsthand how hurtful words can be. Reading this story gave me renewed determination to help my father change his ways. You are never too old to change!
~Jennifer
Susan,
So many contributors have lost loved ones. I wonder whether some of my poems may help bring comfort. They were written after the death of my husband 7 years ago. Here are a couple:
FULL CIRCLE
Seventeen months into marriage you left for a training course
That first, endless week we wrote every day
Saturday, at the station, suddenly you were there
Arms encircling, holding, clasping (never let me go)
Feelings too deep to kiss, to look
Just clinging, clinging (never let me go).
Forty years on, your turn in mortality ended
Training course over, not mine
Seventeen endless months on my education continues.
One day, at the station, suddenly you'll be there
Arms encircling, holding, clasping
You'll never let me go
Feelings too deep to kiss, to look
Just clinging, clinging
And you'll never, never
Never let me go.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY - 2 YEARS ON
My whole soul yearns for you, my love
The happiness and laughter we have known.
The pale moon, lonely, rides the darkening sky
While I sit, earthbound and alone.
Where are you love ? I think it is not far
But sad that we are separated now
I cannot feel your strong hand warm in mine
Nor see your smiling eyes light my response.
A picture that I painted, bright and clear
Lacked something for completion, only when
Dark shades were added did the painting live
Without the black notes there would be no melody in music
Perhaps we need the underlining sorrow, bleak,
That when once more we're well and whole
Together we'll exult in timelessness
And prize and cherish every radiant joy.
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Unexpectedly, life moves on and this weekend John and I will have been married for one happy year. My advice is not to live in the past and turn away from love as I did for so long. My first husband said for years that, if I was ever alone I should get married again and I know he is happy for me now.
People say that life is short and it is certainly racing by, but I know from experience that loneliness is long and hope that those in the same situation as I was won't turn away from friendships that may ripen into love in their own good time. I wish happiness to all who read this.
~Margaret Drysdale
Yorkshire, England
mallott@lineone.net
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