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March 2, 2001 - Stages of Inebriation
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!
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"ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle." ~Unknown~
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Not that I would know, but I thought this submission of "Stages of Getting Drunk" was hilarious! Author Unknown, but sent in by Frank Holbrook
Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and heck, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART, you know all the words.
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"I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen-- .. to sell more numbers!!" ~Zippy the Pinhead~
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The Letter Box:
(Sorry it's rather lengthy - so many of your letters made me laugh!)
Susan, I loved this story. I am terrified of spiders but I also kill them. When I am done they are mangled, smashed, and pulverized. Thinking of sitting in the car and having a spider share the floor board would cause me to bail out. Thanks for the laughs.
Blessings, Sherri
Susan,
Just finished reading "Spider Raid" and shuddering at my keyboard. As I fellow arachnophobe, I can sympathize with "Marty" (not his real name). Had I been in the car when that Wolf Spider appeared, I do not know how I would have stopped without crashing--or just jumping out at 65 mph! In
our house, it was usually my youngest daughter that rescued Mommy from the big bad spider, as my oldest was even worse than I was, if that is possible. Now that they are both grown, I have to get my own spiders, because the alternative--NOT getting them and knowing they are lying in
wait to attack--is far worse. But, like you, I cannot kill ANY spider without screaming when I hit it--again, and again, and again . . .
Linda Newman
Susan,
Great story...if you ever want to change careers.....try comedy! You'd make a fortune!
Blessings, Sue Henley
Susan, As soon as I saw the title of this story I just knew it was going to be one of yours. It cracked me up. If the "big sissy" oh sorry Marty,does find a Spider Sissies Anonymous please let me know. I would have to sign my sister's financee up. I thought he was the only man alive petriffied of spiders. Shows how much I know.
Jane Ludferg
Dear Susan, I can always count on you to contribute a dose of gilly siggles (That's a huge helping of silly giggles.) to my Fridays. Today's story about some guy named Marty (more silly giggles here) and his fear of spiders was really a hoot. It got more comical with each paragraph. Spider Sissies Anonymous is a great idea. I definitely need to sign up for such an organization. Utah certainly does not have a monopoly on arachnids. I think many of them "vacation" in Florida! Keep the can of Raid close by . . .
Sandi
Susan, Possibly your best yet. Your husband and my wife share this affliction. When Karen sees a 'creepy crawler', it's always the size of a basketball. I often have trouble seeing them at all, but to her they are a symbol of the end of the world..
Bob Johnston
Susan, You have just convinced me NEVER to move to Utah, if only because of those monster spiders! I, too, am deathly afraid of spiders. They just move too fast! Ewww! I kill the little ones, but if my hubby's home, he's the hunter no matter the size. My 10-yr-old son is more of a sissy than I am when it comes to arachnids; I don't believe my 6-yr-old daughter has ever encountered one.
The biggest one I experienced was more like the one you had in your car, except it was on my side of my closed bedroom door -- eye level with me -- and it was 20+ years ago. My young niece and nephew were in the house so I couldn't scream, and there were no men there at all. After several
sprays of whatever hair product was within my reach, it finally dropped to the floor. I covered it with a large mailing envelope and stomped it repeatedly (funny what fear will do to you -- I can just imagine how I must have looked). I'll never forget that creature; its body was the size of a quarter, plus all those legs...yucky!
Tell Marty I empathize with him! You guys are great -- I enjoy everything you write!
Kim Murray
Dear Susan, You had me laughing so hard. I really loved it and none of us will ever tell about "Marty". LOL. What a wonderful family you have. Years ago when the boys were little we lived in Mn. There the thrill was you could get bats in your house. To me they look like creatures from hell. LOL If one would come in while my husband wasn't there the two
boys and I would go running screaming with a sheet over our heads running for the bathroom. Actually all the screaming was probably me. Life is full of fun memories and thank you for sharing yours.
Love in Christ, Shirley Lendborg
Dear Susan,
I am with Marty-Not-His-Real-Name! What a great story. As afraid as I am of these critters (and we get the creepy ones here in Michigan too) I couldn't stop laughing as I read your story. Thanks for your enlightening and funny addition to my Friday afternoon!
~Angela M.
Susan, Hey, this is SERIOUS. I thought all wives were the exterminators of spiders. My first husband's excuse for his irrational fear was that 'in the army in foreign parts, the spiders were poisonous and meant to be feared. The same reason why he NEVER put on a shoe without shaking it upside down - 'there might be a scorpion got inside during the night'.
Did you know there is a contraption - I think they're in brush
salesman's catalogues, where you can catch a spider without touching, take it outside and release it. Finally, I was told that 'only clean houses have spiders'. This is because they exterminate every other insect that dares darken our doors. You must be BRAVE and protect the poor weak husband in his extremities - I always did.
Margaret Drysdale, Yorkshire, England
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