 |
|
|
|
|
October 5, 2001 - House of Horrors
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday, to start your weekend off with a chuckle!
Next week I will be lazing in the beautiful Montana mountains with
our own Kathe Campbell and her darling hubby Ken! I am NOT working, so the next Funny Friday will be by Travis Beck on October 19th. Happy Autumn!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The 2002 Today's Promise Scripture Wall Calendars are now available - place your order today and help support Today's Promise Ministry. At only $3.49 each plus a small shipping charge, they are great for Christmas presents and stocking stuffers! See samples of the calendars, & get info on ordering at:
http://members.aol.com/champ7/calendar.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FREE CD ROM for kids! Your kids will learn, explore, have fun and
imagine with Paw Island! Order their FREE CD ROM now!
http://www.qksrv.net/click-404250-4063380
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I thought this story title apropros for the month of October! Maria
is fast becoming a 2TheHeart favorite, and this one shows a squirrly side of her that had me in stitches! Did ya ever have one of those days...
HOUSE OF HORRORS
by Maria Harden
My friend Irene and I often look after each other's homes when we are on our respective vacations. Usually this means bringing in the mail, perhaps watering the plants, and checking to make sure everything is secure. In her case, she is occasionally called upon to come in to feed our cat when we are away.
My house-sitting talents are tested every time it was my turn to look after her house. It seemed that something unusual always happened when she was away, and I would have to deal with it. Sometimes it was minor, like the time the doorknob came off in my hand when I opened the door. Another time a storm felled a tree in her front yard. One year we had a terrible rainstorm where a record amount of rain fell in a short period, and I had to deal with a foot of water in Irene's basement.
However, there is one memorable occurrence, which bears telling.
Whoever said truth is stranger than fiction knew what they were
talking about.
It was the hottest summer on record. My husband and I were on our way out one morning, when we stopped to check on Irene's house. As we pulled up into the driveway, I was puzzled to see that the living room drapes looked slightly askew. Cautiously I entered the house, where the first thing I saw was a living room lamp toppled on the floor. To my horror, the entire house was a shambles. It looked as if it had been ransacked, and I realized I could be in danger if someone was still in the house. I turned to call my husband, when something scurried and squealed as it ran along the wall. I let out a shriek, and realized that fuzzy intruder was a bushy-tailed squirrel. I ran out and breathlessly stammered my discovery to my husband, who was waiting for me in the car, and together we re-entered the house.
The squirrel must have gotten into the house through the fireplace. It had created unbelievable havoc everywhere. The drapes were snagged and ripped. The kitchen cupboards were open, and packages of crackers and cereal were ripped open, with crumbs and debris everywhere. A plastic peanut butter jar had a huge hole chewed into it. Ornaments, plants, and other objects were strewn every which way. The squirrel had tried to make a nest in a bed, and the bed covers were a mess. The wooden wall paneling was chewed in places. Squirrel droppings dusted every surface. It was shocking how much destruction one small squirrel could make in his desperation to escape.
The heat was intense as the sun blazed hotly in the sky, so we opened some windows and doors to let in some air. The squirrel was probably terrified, and I tried to reason out a way to get it safely out of the house. I ended up laying out a trail of crackers in the hopes that it would follow the trail and leave, and eventually it did.
Irene was not expected home for another several days so I thought I better clean up a little of the mess. I drove my husband to his destination, and returned to the house. First, I straightened up what I could, swept the floor, threw out the mangled boxes and packages of food, and tried to get the house in some semblance of order. It was extremely hot, and sweat poured from me as I worked. However, try as I might, I could not find the vacuum cleaner, so I went home to get mine. Much later, I had gotten the house back into semi-decent shape. I was exhausted, overheated, and disheveled, and wanted nothing more than a cold drink and a cool shower, in that order.
Back at home, I searched the refrigerator for something cold to drink and saw at the back a few bottles of my husband's homemade beer. Now, as a rule, I don't drink anything alcoholic, but right at that moment, nothing seemed like it would quench my thirst better than a long, cool one.
I took the ice-cold bottle to the sink where I opened it, and suddenly "SWOOSH!" The contents of the bottle exploded, covering the kitchen walls and ceiling. I gaped in open-mouthed astonishment as gold coloured droplets dripped from the ceiling on to me, on to the floor, on to everything. The beer, having been in the back of the refrigerator where it was coolest, had semi-froze, and when I opened the bottle, the pressure made it explode.
What else can happen, I thought, as I set to cleaning up yet another pungent mess. When I was finished with that, I was even thirstier than before. Again I checked the refrigerator and found another bottle of beer that looked fine, no ice crystals in it that I could see. Just to be on the safe side, I pointed it into the sink when I opened it. No, I wasn't going to make that mistake again! "WHOOSH!" The second bottle of beer exploded, the pungent liquid ricocheting off the sink and soaking me yet again. At this
point I could not help laughing at this comedy of errors. What a
sight I must have been!
A long shower and some ice water to drink later, I was feeling better. When my husband came home later, he jokingly asked if I had been having a party because the house smelled like a brewery.
To this day I cannot tolerate the smell of beer, as it reminds me of the day of my first and last beer shampoo. And as for squirrels, I no longer think of them as cute.
Maria Harden
©2001
Maria lives in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, with her husband and an ornery cat. Or is that an ornery husband and a cat? She has learned to deal with little bumps along life's highway with humor and patience, especially where squirrels are concerned. And yes, she and Irene are still friends! Her 2TheHeart stories can be found here:
http://www.2theheart.com/aug22_01 - "Musings of a TV Addict"
http://www.2theheart.com/sept19_01 - "Of Thee I Sing"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sweatshirt weather is here! Order your soft and warm 2TheHeart
sweatshirt today! Choose from our logowear or writers' sweatshirts - all are made from the best Hanes brand and have a 30-day money back guarantee! Order your cuddly sweatshirt now!
www.cafepress.com/2theheart
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Letter Box:
Re: "Shoeless Joe Mommy" by Yours Truly : )
Susan,
Thanks for the shoe giggle. I, too, have often wondered how a person loses ONE shoe in the middle of the road. Even more puzzling to me is how a lone SOCK appears in the road...how do you lose a sock without losing the shoe first? Maybe the shoe is lost in a different part of town, and the sock bails out of the car, looking for its long, lost partner...Do I sound punchy? I guess I am. Chuck is right: we need a little comic relief right now as we're trying to maintain some normalcy in our lives. Hugs to all.
Kim Murray
Hi Susan!
This was a riot! In the back of my mind, I kept thinking about how often I instruct my kids to look for their missing shoes where they
found the first mate because "the other one should be nearby"! You reminded me that that may not be true - HA! I sure hope you won't mind if I don't let them read this story though - I don't want them to know there is a possible loophole in Mom's wisdom!! Great story...thanks for a wonderful start to my weekend!
Lots of love,
Amanda Krug :)
krug_family@iquest.net
Hi Susan,
This was delightful. Yes, we need laughter in our lives even though we're in the midst of tragedy.
Mary Emma Allen
me.allen@juno.com
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny Friday archives: www.2theheart.com/funny_friday/
Submit story: Editor@2theheart.com
To subscribe: FunnyFriday-subscribe@yahoogroups.com
To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to:
FunnyFriday-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com
|
|
|
|
|
| |
