Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!

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"I'm going to be assertive... if that's okay with you."
- Dr. Robert Anthony, Think Again

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"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who have not got the guts to bite people themselves." - August Strindberg

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I suppose today's Funny Friday should come with a warning. Okay, so here it is:  If you love snakes, or feel particularly protective of them (or spiders now that I think about it.), don't read this! And don't send me nasty letters about it!  Now you've had fair warning, in light of my "Spider Raid" story a couple of weeks back, I thought this a very fitting follow-up. 



"The Hiss of Death"
by Deborah Dee Simmons


I think it was FDR who said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." While I'm clearly not qualified to second-guess a man of Mr. Roosevelt's stature and wisdom, I beg to differ. While fear is indeed a powerful force, there are a couple of glaring omissions in that famous statement and if it were up to me, I'd amend it to read, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself--and of course, big hairy spiders and slimy, good-for-nothing snakes."

There. Doesn't that make a lot more sense?

Up to this point, I've handled spiders in much the same way as most other women do. I leave their demise (the crueler, the quicker, the better) to someone who is larger than me--and immeasurably taller, heavier and wearing bigger spider-thumpin' boots than his victim. As a child, I turned to my father; at home, I leave it to my husband; elsewhere, it's any man who's handy at the moment. I wouldn't care if the President was busy delivering a State of the Union address--if I found a spider anywhere within a three-mile radius and he was the only man in the vicinity, it would be up to him to kill it. And I mean right THEN. The sooner, the better. No thinking about it, no emergency Cabinet sessions, no stalling for the appropriate moment, no quibbling over the definition of the word "kill." NOW.

My preferred method (and the one I always suggest to my hired gun) is to first drown the spider with an entire spray can of toxic chemical, stomp it into an unrecognizable goo, then grind the goo into the ground/floor/cement, and follow up with final flushing down the toilet. If it were up to me, I'd add firepower, flames and explosive devices to the routine, but none of the men I've depended on over the years to do my dirty work would allow it. Wimps.

Snakes, unfortunately, are a different story. You don't often spray a snake to death, stomping them to smithereens is a bit too messy, and flushing them down the toilet is just not an option. In addition, snakes are sneaky, slimy and shiftless. In short, snakes are the enemy.

Well, I have met the enemy--and his name is Sam. He's an extraordinarily ugly little guy and lives in our gardening shed, along with some equally disgusting spiders, I'm sure. As if having the devil's playmate (and his henchmen) living in my back yard weren't bad enough, I have reason to believe the little demon's stalking me. I feel his beady eyes watching me whenever I venture outside the back door. He is, as my Dad would say, nothing but a lowdown, rotten snake-in-the-grass.

I'm not sure what kind of snake Sam is. I've never gotten close enough to look. Frankly, it wouldn't matter to me if he were St. Snake of Assisi--I'd still detest him. For a brief time this spring, I entertained a faint hope that he'd moved to New Mexico or Siberia--or better yet, just plain died. But oh no. Not Sam. No, he just grew longer and fatter and sneakier and slimier over the winter months. He also acquired a family and occasionally, his son (dubbed... what else? "Son of Sam") comes out to sun himself with his creepy dad. I'm sure he's being taught everything Sam, Sr. knows about the fine art of stalking. I shudder to think of it.

I must admit that the snake species hasn't had many good role models over the years. None, in fact. The first and most notorious of those role models brought eternal sin to mankind and our relationship with the serpent kingdom has gone downhill ever since. There are no fairy tales starring adorable snakes, you won't ever find one (thank goodness) tucked into a stocking come Christmas morning, and you seldom see a baby nursery decorated in a spiffy pastel "fang and rattler" theme. Still, a lot of God's creatures grow up with no moral guidance or parental support and you don't find them dangling from tree limbs enticing humans into a life of sin. No, the snake, by nature, is a morally depraved creature and as such, deserves our scorn.

Apparently, though, not everyone understands that. Earlier this year, John came to me and said he was afraid he'd killed Sam's wife (or one of the kids) with the lawn mower and he was sorry for it. SORRY? He showed me the body in a nearby brush pile and actually said to me, "I hope I didn't kill it. Maybe it's just resting." (And I married this man?) Here I was--inwardly rejoicing that there was one less snake in the world and ready to give my hero a hearty "high five" and he's expressing regret? What's the world coming to--and who's stolen my husband? I don't remember any "I'm a snake-lover" confessions before we were married. Have I been married to a stranger all these years? Believe me, I wasn't particularly happy to see the body was still intact, either. I wanted snake CHUNKS, not a whole, unmarked snake BODY. I wanted blood. I wanted absolute proof that this snake was a goner. Apparently, John merely ran over him with the tire and didn't get him all tangled up in the blades, which naturally, I would have preferred. The more tangled, the better. Oh well, maybe next time.

Summer is over and, hopefully, the cold, hard winter will take its toll on Sam and his brood. I guess I'll find out next spring. In the meantime, I can still feel his little devil eyes boring into me as he watches my every move. Recently, I ran across a snakeskin--a grotesque reminder of his nasty intentions. The message was clear. I could almost hear his obscene little hiss: "I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still stalking you. And now.... I'm naked."

If you ask me...you can add "perverted" to his list of faults.

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Deb lives in constant fear in the "palm" of Michigan. When she's not smashing spiders or chopping up snakes, she enjoys writing her newspaper column and working full-time as a secretary. Deb is tickled pink to be a former "Writer of the Month" for "2theHeart." See more of Deb's inspirational work (& photo!) at:  http://www.2theheart.com/writers_hall_of_fame

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THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS........


Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened.

(Sent in by Kay Jones)


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"Good leaders are scarce, so I'm following myself" - Dr. Robert Anthony

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The Letter Box:


Dear Anne,
I so appreciated your story about your daughter. It reminded me of years ago, my son Daniel and I  were walking along the aisles of the grocery store. When Dan who was about 5 asked me "Mom what is your favorite candy? I  said I did not like candy :so he said if you were going to eat candy what  kind would you eat? I told him M & Ms with nuts in them. He said mom what kind of pop do you like and my answer was  Dan I love Coca Cola." He did not mention it again. But later that week I had to go see my Lung Specialist, DR. W. Warner.

Dan went with me and asked if he could come in while I had my physical. So he brought in a book to look at. When the exam was over the doctor said 'Shirley you are doing well  but I am concerned about your weight." So I proceeded to tell him I was careful in what i ate and Dan said :Oh mom you know you like M & M's and Coca Cola " To which the doctor could not stop laughing.That was the last time I had Dan go into the  doctors with me. LOL. Love in Christ,  Shirley Lendborg  ShirleyRalf@webtv.net


Dear Susan,
My kids seem to have a knack for constantly embarrassing me!  Anne's story of Kelly's Answer was one I could relate to!  I am going to submit a couple of my own to Funny Friday - I think other parents would get a kick out of my own embarrassing moments!
~Gina Barrett, KY


Susan,
I found a really funny web site that has funny pages to send and quotes that are great!  I thought your readers might like it too. Here is the link: http://www.netlaughter.com/. Thanks for making my Fridays great!
~Estelle


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"Every year, back comes Spring, with nasty little birds yapping their fool heads off and the ground all mucked up with plants."
- Dorothy Parker


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