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June 1, 2001 - My Fellow Americans
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!
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"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." ~Emo Phillips
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"My Fellow Americans"
by Deborah Dee Simmons
I've made a crucial life decision. After much soul-searching (and conferring with "my people"), I've decided I won't be running--now or ever-- for the Office of the President of the United States. Shocked? Disappointed? Don't be. If I were you, I'd be dancing in the streets.
This decision was not based on the questions of whether or not I want the job, could win the job, or if I'm even remotely capable of performing the job. (By the way, the answers are: "thanks, but no thanks," "no way on earth," and "not in my wildest dreams.") No, this decision was based on more important factors--namely, I can't stand criticism, I'm a real sore loser, and most people consider me to be a political moron.
To start with, I hate having my picture taken. If I could get away with using my prom picture every time someone needed a photo of me, believe me, I would. Unfortunately, a national campaign would require more than occasional glimpses of me in my Grecian-style prom dress. Go figure. In addition, there are far too many things I'd need to do before I could campaign intelligently. They include becoming successful (at anything), instilling confidence (in anyone), taking a Political Science class (and passing it), and perhaps becoming a veteran (helpful, but apparently not a requirement).
Let's imagine I somehow obtain my party's nomination. Please don't ask me which party that might be--perhaps the Big Dope Party. (Of course, if that happened, we'd have all those flying pigs to worry about, too, but for the sake of argument, we'll pretend the inconceivable has occurred and I'm in the running.) Since we have many brilliant women in the nation, let's presume my esteemed opponent is also female--only she knows what she's doing. Our campaign exchanges might sound something like this:
Intelligent Opponent: Mrs. Simmons, how do you stand on campaign finance reform and Social Security issues?"
Me: "Yes."
IO: "Yes what?"
Me: "Isn't that pretty obvious?"
IO: "Isn't what obvious?"
Me: "That you're ducking the issue."
IO: "What?"
Me: "Because if you are, there's no sense in our even talking about this."
IO: "We aren't talking!"
Me: "My point precisely!"
IO: "You don't have the foggiest notion what you're talking about, do you?"
Me: "Oh yeah? Well...I don't like your hair and...and....you look fat in that dress!" (Pretty shrewd, wouldn't you say?)
Clearly, I do not belong in the political arena. However, I do have some great suggestions. An astute candidate might want to take note. Are you listening, Astute Candidate?
Let's start with the restructuring of our President's salary. I suggest we institute an "ala carte" pay scale. For every genuine (and lasting) peace treaty he negotiates, he'll get $50.00. For every bill he gets passed--not to pacify lobbyists, but to protect Americans--we (the American people) will pay 10% of his monthly health insurance premium. In fairness, we'll continue to provide him or her with lodging, office space (and the necessary materials and support staff to run it efficiently), as well as the use of Air Force One (upon proper and
timely requisition, of course). However, there will be no more limousines, catered meals or free dry-cleaning. Laundry, housecleaning, bill-paying, and child care arrangements (and payment) will be the personal responsibilities of the President and First Spouse. No more
mooching off the Secret Service. Yard work will be their weekend focus; no more trips to Camp David to while away their Saturdays and Sundays unless the White House yard is mowed, raked, mulched, fertilized, and deemed weed-free.
And finally, they'll be required to do their own grocery-shopping and prepare their own meals. A few nights spent standing in front of the refrigerator asking one another "What's for dinner?" and hearing "Well, we have four hot dogs, two eggs, some lumpy milk and half-jar of relish.
Who put the relish in the mayonnaise jar? Oh y-u-c-k....." would go a long way in providing some real insight into the plight of the average, hard-working American family.
Clearly, I am not qualified to run for this office. However, what I lack in political savvy, I make up for in the "great American experience." Can the real candidates say that?
Deborah Simmons copyright 2001
dsimmons@remc8.k12.mi.us
Deb, who has no political aspirations whatsoever (thankfully), lives in the "palm" of Michigan with her husband, John. She enjoys writing her newspaper column and submitting stories to her favorite site, "2theHeart." Other stories found on "2theHeart" include "Grandma and
the General," "Lessons in Love," and "Thanks for the Memories." Her Funny Friday contributions have gained her quite a fan base! Some of her FF stories are: "All That Glitters", "The Hiss of Death", and "The Lap of Luxury".
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"This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are." - Art Buchwald
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The Letter Box:
Dear Susan,
"All Ees Quiet" was a cute story that gave me a chuckle, but that I also found touching. Sandra's pride in her dad was obvious and it was a fitting story for Memorial Weekend. Incidentally, your "Forgiveness at Pearl Harbor" (2TheHeart) was awesome! I saved it and forwarded it to everyone. Beautiful!
~Barb
Dear Funny Friday,
I joined your list two months ago and want to say thanks for starting my weekend off great! I look forward to each funny story and the funny quotes you add - Funny Friday is my favorite!
God bless and thanks for the smiles,
~Jenna
Susan,
Deb Simmon's story about the snake just got forwarded to me from a friend on your list. I laughed and laughed! I read through your archives and "Spider Raid", "Walking Cool", and "Kitty Attack" were among my favorites, although every story was great! You are doing a
great job with this list and I am now a subscriber and plan to tell my friends about both your lists. Thank you!!!
~Mary Rock, VA
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Sent in from Joan Wester Anderson...
(Thanks Joan!) :-)
Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show? 6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done: There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas. The kids vote them off based on performance.
The winner gets to go back to his job.
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Submit your funny stories to: Editor@2theheart.com
See our new online store! www.2theheart.com/our_store_/
Feel free to pass this on to your friends!
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