March 22, 2002 - Where Are All the Fat People by Sue Henley


Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday, to start your weekend off with a chuckle!


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This week's Funny Quotes:

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." ~Jeff Valdez

"Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you." ~Mary Bly

"Change is inevitable except from a vending machine." ~Unknown

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Oh boy did I laugh when I read this! However, I take offense at Sue calling herself the "F" word. She is beautiful, funny and talented!



"WHERE ARE ALL THE FAT PEOPLE?"
by Sue Henley
 
I slowly closed the car door. It was still dark and there was a foggy mist in the air, but I could still see the double doors at the entrance. I hesitated as I grasped the handle and pulled the door open. Nothing was familiar and my heart seemed to be skipping beats.  I hate change of any kind. What was I doing here stepping into a whole new realm of my life?  Life is scary enough without new adventures.
 
I climbed the steps one at a time. It seemed like a million steps.  I was hopelessly out of breath as I reached the top.  This was worse than being in a scary movie!  Ahead of me loomed tons of metal and steel monsters.  They were lined all over the room.  Every eye in the room turned to me.  Their expressions seem to change from surprise, to shock... to sympathy.  Some faces were familiar, most were not, but it seemed everyone knew the delimma I was about to embark.  Again fear gripped my heart or maybe it was the fact that the steps had more than winded me.  Sweat was forming at my brow.  I wanted to turn and run. 
 
I started walking to the back of the room and it seemed every face followed me.  No smiles, no conversation.......no pleasantries at all.  I examined and I read the directions.  I was determined to use every ounce of grit and intelligence I had to get through this without asking for help.  I stepped up, I pushed a button... WHOA!   My body had no control!  "Keep up... don't make a spectacle... you can do this!" I kept repeating to myself.  The humans on each side of me were actually keeping pace with the rubber track beneath them.  "I can do this, I can do this... Oh, God...help me do this!"  When I had my body under some kind of faked control, I looked around the large room.  I had only question... "Where are all the fat people?" (besides me?)
 
My youngest daughter had asked for a membership to the YMCA for Christmas.  My mother had graciously honored her request. My daughter and I are a little more than chubby.  My mother is beautiful, wonderful and thin. (I've always figured it's some kind of curse to be fat and have a thin mother.)  Mom figured if we were ready to make a lifechange, she was willing to foot the bill!  So here we were... with a bunch of skinny strangers... attempting to look like we knew what we were doing.  I don't think we fooled a soul!  But, where were the fat people? (besides me?)
 
I lasted on the treadmill for exactly 5 minutes.  A wonderful triumph, I thought!  I sat down on a machine that looked relatively easy.  You strapped your feet in the holders.......grabbed the t-bar and pulled back on it.  The seat slid back and forth as you pulled.  I did it for exactly 3 minutes.  I thought I was dying.  This over
zealous middle aged, well packed Swedish redhead next to me said, "Don't quit.....push yourself."  I smiled and asked her how long she did it the first time.  "Ten minutes."  "OK... I can continue if you'll assure me you are certified in CPR, "I sweetly replied. "Oh... maybe you shouldn't push yourself so hard the first time," she said. I won't tell you what I was thinking. I was also wondering, "Where are all the fat people?" (besides me?)
 
I pedaled, I did weights, I did crunches and only 10 minutes passed.  I was sitting on the ab machine when this perky, freaky voice starts yelling into a microphone in the next room.  "OK...5, 4, 3, 2, start... to the right, to the left..."  I asked the redhead, "What's that?"  She informed me it was kickboxing sessions they had every morning, would I be interested in attending?"  Oh sure, right... of course I'm ready to die!  Maybe after I lost the first 50 lbs God would convince me (and it would take an act of God) to join that class.  Again, ugly thoughts penetrated my brain.  Again, I ask myself... "Where are all the fat people?" (besides me?)
 
Amazingly, I made it through the visit and it all seemed fine as I sat in the hot tub near the pool.  Ahhhhhh.  I had a ton of energy when I got home and wasn't as hungry as usual.  I woke up the next morning and stood up and immediately thought I had a blood clot in my left calf.  Pain shot up my leg, and being the hypochondriac I am, I imagined the worst.  My daughter, in her 15 year-old wisdom said, "Gee mom, I'm sore too... you DO NOT have a blood clot." 
 
Thank you, God.  I so wanted to live through my first visit to the YMCA!

 
Sue Henley  copyright 2002
doupray2@charter.net
 

We've been every day for the past two weeks. I've gotten lots of exercise and lots of fodder for new stories! My mom's a saint!  But, I've only lost 6 lbs... but, nothing ventured, nothing gained!  I'm still waiting to see more fat people, though!  See my other stories in the 2theheart archives, and on the Writer's Hall of Fame page!


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The Letter Box:


Dear Funny Friday,
Your latest mailing "Cats and Parachutes" told by Bob Johnston reminded me of something my older brother and I used to do when we were younger. Now, he's twenty one and I'm eighteen, but when we were at the approximate ages of eight and eleven, my brother and I used to take my parent's umbrella out of the family car and climb up the giant Weeping Willow tree in our back yard. We would then take turns jumping to the ground while using the umbrella as our "parachute".... we had lots of fun until one day, we'd abused our parent's umbrella so much that it turned inside out! Then we had to confess.... I don't remember whether our parent's were mad or not, but I remember the discouragement that we felt,as we no longer had a "parachute" to play with =)
Cya later... Sarah  =)
dreamhorses@juno.com



Dear Bob,
It was a nice surprise to see your writings in Susan's Funny Friday! I love that you are brother/sister sites and share stories too! I'd love to see some of her work on your lists! Thanks for a story that made me laugh! you and your brother were TROUBLE.
~Barb



Dear Funny Friday,
I recently found your site through a search and read "Walking Cool" and bout wet myself at work laughing so hard!!!!! I got my first story.... Cats and Parachutes and am really glad I joined up! It's nice to find a funny story list that I can trust to be clean too.
THANKS!!!!!!
~Rochelle J.


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