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January 4, 2001 - Bartender, Make Mine a Double
Welcome to 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!
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"Gas station attendants are hired based on their lack of knowledge regarding directions." - Unknown
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Bartender, Make Mine a Double
by Anne Goodrich
It wasn't the type of place that I'd normally go. Sommer's Place was the kind of small-town bar usually inhabited by a little rougher crowd. Pool playing, rough talking, hard drinking men, and a few women who enjoyed the same.
My fiancé, Gordy, had some doubts about taking me to Sommer's Place, but there was going to be a musician playing that night he thought was incredible. Gord gave me some advice about the kind of people we'd encounter there - not that I was intimidated. After all, I was going with my fiancé and his best friend and I knew I could just play it cool and fit in with the crowd.
Jim picked us up, and I opened the car door. Jim and his wife Debbie had an infant son, so I had to shove over baby toys, disposable diapers, and other paraphernalia that had accumulated in their back seat before I could sit down. Then I just sat back and did a mental checklist while
the guys talked in the front. Let's see..make up was carefully applied, lip gloss just so, long blond hair shiny and combed, blue jeans fashionably faded. Yep. I was ready. Next I practiced an appropriate attitude - cool and collected with a slight smile of friendliness - but not enough to encourage flirting. I had it all down pat by the time we parked and I followed the guys into the bar.
It was dark and smoky in there, and so the first thing we did was walk to the front of the pub and scan the room for a table. Lots of people were staring at us. Was I looking that good? Maybe the blond hair and lip gloss were better than I thought. The staring certainly boosted my confidence, but still I managed to retain my semi-aloof attitude of detachability. Just for a second. Then I noticed that the stares were also being accompanied by whispering. Whispering and snickering actually, with a few guffaws thrown in there as well. My attitude
started to falter. Just what the heck was so funny?
Suddenly from the back of the bar - the way, way back of the bar - a big, burly, tattooed truck driver yelled out from the packed crowd. "Hey lady! You got a diaper stuck on your butt!" What?! Me? Is he talking to me?! Oh horrors, he must be, he was staring directly at me. Quickly I whipped my head around and the truth was confirmed. Apparently when I had cleared the back seat of Jim's car one of the new Pampers must have fallen from the box, and lucky me! I had strategically sat on the tab of diaper tape that had opened. Yes, I had nonchalantly sashayed into the beer joint with a diaper flapping from my rear end like I was some strange kind of new critter with a big, white, rectangular tail.
There are some memories that we never forget, even if we'd really, really like to. This was one of them. I had just a split second to decide how to handle this. The only thing I could think of to do was to try and casually remove this appendage from my derriere while forcing myself to laugh uproariously. After all, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. My only recourse was to join them since I had the whole darn bar laughing hysterically.
So much for all of my fiancé's "play it cool and don't call attention to yourself" instructions. I had a strong feeling that when I did find Gordy, who had mysteriously disappeared from my side; he wasn't going to take me there again. I had an even stronger feeling that "the night the
lady came in with the diaper stuck on her butt" was a story that could reach legend proportions at Sommer's Place and become part of bar folklore. No, I definitely wasn't going to be remembered there for my very cool attitude and shiny, blond hair.
Anne Goodrich
Webmaster@ohangel.com
Anne is a regularly contributing writer for Funny Friday and 2TheHeart dailies (She is our Januray Writer of the Month!). Her stories are hilarious and memorable. To read more of Anne's Funny Friday stories, visit our archives, listed at the bottom of this email. Anne is the
designer and creator of 2TheHeart's sister site, home of wonderful and unique ecards. www.ohangel.com.
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The Letter Box:
Kathe... (Re: Bags with a kick!)
I just have to love you my dear friend. I'll bet Ken never makes that mistake again! Keep those stories coming.
Love, Pat
Dear Funny Friday,
Oh my, I laughed my butt off at Kathe's story! What a woman to store up on daqueris! I like her style!
~Jeanette, Rock Springs
Dear Kathe,
Your latest escapade with the frozen bags of daqueris had me cracking up! Your stories are always so entertaining, but this one gave me a picture that kept me laughing! ~Barbara
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"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." ~Joe Theismann~
Feel free to pass this on to your friends!
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