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April 30, 2002 - Internet Angels
Welcome to 2TheHeart!
"When the people we love are stolen from us, the only way to keep them is to never stop loving them. People die, buildings burn, but eternal love lasts forever." ~David J. Schow
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Today is the one year anniversary of my sister, Angel's death. I know that she is joyous and whole and free of the pain that she bore the last year of her life, but still... I miss her so much. I was amazed at how many of my 2theheart family remembered this date and filled my mailbox with cards and little angels. Thank you so much, especially to my sisters of the heart - Jane, Amanda, Kim, Sandi, Anne, and to my sweet husband for bringing some beauty into this day for me.
I tried to write a new story to run today, in honor of Angel's life. There are many memories that I left out of her book, but it is still painful to write about her, so I am sharing a story I wrote last summer - an aspect of how her immense love for others is being carried on. A special thank you to the angels from 2TheHeart and Chemo Angels who inspired this story.
"Internet Angels"
By Susan Farr Fahncke
My sister was twenty-eight years old and she was dying. Diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor last summer, we were told that Angel would be gone by this summer. It was April, and the weather outside matched this time in her life. Stormy, winter half-over, the promise of Spring on the horizon, it was a time of waiting and of anguish, a time of learning to live in peace and coming to terms with the end of our life as we had known it. Reeling from not only the physical pain, but also from the pain of her husband simply walking out of her life, my young sister bore the loneliness and sorrow of the deepest magnitude. Hard as I tried, I could not erase her sadness. Our days were spent together with me desperately trying to make her smile, and forget, if even for a moment, her deep loneliness.
I run a web site and send out daily inspirational stories. The members of my "online family" are an amazing group of people. Many have suffered through a great deal. Through their letters and stories, I have come to love these people. They have survived cancer, divorce, homelessness, the death of a child, a spouse, a parent, a sibling, disabling accidents, heartache and pain of every kind. Somehow, life has a way of creating kindness and compassion in the wake of pain, and I see these qualities, strong and all-encompassing in them.
I found writing about my sister's illness cathartic, and shared many of our experiences with my daily list. Through my stories, Angel became a part of the lives of these gentle and loving people. Gifts and cards began to arrive for my sister. Relationships with people all over the world developed. As the tumor grew and my sister's ability to communicate, to walk - to live deteriorated, hundreds of letters and cards, and most of all, prayers poured forth. And through it all, as her life slowly seeped away, her spirit began to transform. Simply being loved can create a miracle.
In the beginning of April, I found an incredible site at chemoangels.com. I had no idea that clicking on that link would put my sister's heart back on a path of healing, of love. It opened up a world of kindness that became a rainbow during the last weeks of Angel's life. Daily cards, letters and packages arrived only two days after I signed Angel up for a Chemo Angel. She received not one, but hundreds of angels who reached out with boundless love and heartfelt compassion. Between the dear friends Angel had made from my web site family and the Chemo Angels, every single day of her life brought surprises of love and friendship. My sister's loneliness was beginning to ease away and was replaced with the thousands of strangers - angels, who unconditionally loved her and gave her back her smile.
Each day's mail brought stuffed animals, angels of every size, shape and type. It brought flower seeds, candles and inspiring cards that strengthened her faith when she needed it most. Unable to walk to the mailbox, she would eagerly wait until I brought the stacks of love hidden in envelopes - all just for her. Her face, swollen, bruised and scarred from the chemotherapy, surgeries and the many falls she had taken, would at last be filled with light and laughter, a gift from heaven wrapped in the love of strangers.
They didn't know it, but each of these dear people created a haven of reprieve from pain for my sister. Her bedroom was filled with their gifts, constant reminders that she was indeed loved, and that God does send angels to do his work. These angels had a very short time to perform a miracle, but they accomplished it with the flurry of angel wings and the sparkle of heavenly dust. They showered love on my sister with such intensity and such zest that she could not help but allow her loneliness to evaporate in their warmth.
The week before she died, Angel and I made a pact. In her halting words, she told me if I would be a Chemo Angel, she would be a "Guardian Chemo Angel". I had already applied, and was an "angel in waiting", and she was delighted, her blue eyes lighting up as our pact was created and sealed with tears and a sister-hug. It is a moment frozen forever in my heart.
The following Monday, April 30th, Angel left this world for bluer skies. As her spirit left her body, I felt the deepest aching pain I had ever known.
The next few weeks were filled with numbness and heartache, but then tiny miracles began to appear in my own mailbox every day. Cards with little angels on the return address labels poured like a cooling summer rain from above. Day after day brought hundreds of cards, many with angel pins tucked inside, the prayers of countless angels prodding me to look for the rainbow after the rain.
At long last, six weeks after Angel's death, I got an email that made my heart skip a beat. It was my first Chemo Angel assignment. A grin slowly spread across my face as tears simultaneously poured down my cheeks. I knew that this patient was going to have two angels, not just one. I wanted to find just the right way to introduce myself and let her know she had an angel in her corner. I finally hit on the perfect thing. It was an ecard with a beautiful serene angel, wings spread wide, and at the bottom "An angel is watching over you" was written in elegant lettering.
Excited, I looked up at the photo of my sister, taken before she got sick - when her face retained its full beauty and her eyes sparkled with life. I smiled and let the tears flow as I silently told her I was finally keeping our pact. I wrote a brief introductory note and as I clicked "send", I felt the warmth of a hand on my shoulder. I looked behind me and I was alone. I looked up at Angel's photo and her eyes seemed to twinkle knowingly back at me. The warmth of her hand remained on my shoulder and I knew that she was with me as we kept our sister-pact to care for another as she had been cared for. At last I could begin to repay the gift that was given Angel during her last weeks on earth. I was grateful to finally be a Chemo Angel, to finally take part in the miracle of giving unconditional love to someone like my sister. And Angel had become a very special guardian angel. Internet angeling had come full circle.
Susan Farr Fahncke Copyright 2001
editor@2theheart.comIn memory of Angela Farr Birchfield
August 14, 1972 - April 30, 2001
To see my book about Angel's life, visit the Angel's Legacy page on 2theheart, and to see a few photos of her growing up, visit this page: www.2theheart.com/angel~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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