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December 21, 2001 - Christmas Aftermath
Merry Christmas from 2TheHeart's Funny Friday!
Holiday Tips From Kids:
HOW YOU STUFF A TURKEY age 4
First you dig a hole on top of the turkey, then you put some salt and pepper in there.. Then I put a little oil in. Next you pull the
skin off and put in a pan. Then it goes in the oven. I also I put
leaves in it to smell good.
HOW YOU MAKE A FRUIT CAKE age 5
You put fruit in the middle of a cake, and you put it all oven until
it's done. the fruit that goes in the cake are apples, cherries,
orange, banana. After it's done you gobble it up and then wash your hand and..
HOW YOU MAKE DEVILED EGGS age 5
First you put salt on the eggs, then pepper, the little bite of water
and the yolk. Then little bits of hot juice. goes on it and then
you old turkey, After you all do that, you can eat them.
HOW YOU MAKE CRANBERRY SAUCE age 3
First you put chicken and cranberries in the pie then you put
potatoes in and you stir it up. You bake it in the oven, then cut it up and add whip cream. You put all of ti in bowl and then you can eat it.
HOW YOU MAKE FUDGE age 2 1/2
First you put corn, banana, tuna, cheese in a pan. Then you put it in the oven and cook it. After you cook it, you mix it up and add chocolate. Then you can eat it.
HOW YOU MAKE CANDY CANES age 5
First you put noodle in pot of water, you add carrots, tomatoes,
chicken, gravy, and rice. You place the pot in the oven. You take the macaroni out and put food coloring on them and eat them.
HOW YOU MAKE MASHED POTATOES age 4
You put sauce and potatoes in a pt and you cook them. Then you take them out and put them on a plate, and I put sauce on them. I mash up the potato with a spoon. Then you put roast beef on the top and turkey also. After that you can eat them all up.
HOW YOU COOK A TURKEY age 4
First you put stuffing in it. The stuffing has chicken, eggs, ham
and bacon. After you put all the stuff inside you put it the oven.
When it done you take it out and eat it.
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"Christmas Aftermath"
by Maria Harden
Another Christmas has come and gone, leaving a depleted bank account and expanded waistline. I know it's not polite to look a gift horse in the mouth, but this year I learned not to change what was meant to be.
My single brother-in-law works at a liquor store, and his idea of
Christmas shopping is to buy everyone a bottle of wine or liqueur as a gift. Every year I have been the recipient of a fancy, and probably expensive, liqueur. Although this is a very generous gesture, some small part of me thinks this is a bit of a cop-out. How much thought actually goes into wheeling a shopping cart down the aisles of a liquor store and filling it with bottles of liquor? I seldom drink alcohol, so this is not a gift I can readily use. However, I always graciously thank him and put the bottle away on a shelf, to accompany all the others I have accumulated over the years. Sometimes they do get opened when we have guests, but for the most part, anyone seeing my bottle collection would think I had a serious problem.
Two years ago I decided to take the bull by the horns and tell my
brother-in-law that while I do appreciate the thought, buying me
liquor is not exactly my idea of a useful gift. He took it in stride
and when Christmas approached, I was excited to see a gift that
clearly was not a bottle. What could it be? I excitedly ripped off
the paper and found -- a huge pair of slippers. Not only were they big and pink and fluffy, they also oinked when I walked. They were pigs. OK. So it wasn't a bottle. I said I didn't want one, right? What did I expect? I did what protocol suggested, exclaimed over the gift, thanked the giver and relegated the slippers to the back of the closet. I was not wearing oinking pigs on my feet!
The following year, I again found a large wrapped package, and
forgetting about last year's fiasco, I excitedly opened the gift.
Inside was -- a pair of big, fuzzy cat slippers that meowed when I
walked. Obviously this was going to be the standard gift. The pig
slippers now had company.
This year, I saw an ad on TV about a lemon-flavored liqueur that was new on the market. This gave me an idea. The next time I talked to my brother-in-law, I casually asked him his opinion of this liqueur. After our conversation, I just knew this would be the end to those animal slippers! However, I felt a twinge of guilt at appearing unappreciative of his past efforts and knew I should just accept whatever he bought. After all, it is the thought that counts, right? His heart is in the right place.
On Christmas Day, I opened the gift and to my relief, found the
lemon-flavored liqueur. It may be that this liqueur may never get
opened either, but at least it does not make animal noises.
Maria Harden (c) 2001
mharden@escape.ca
Maria really does know the true meaning of Christmas, despite this
story! Every once in a while, she gets a reminder of it as her family always teases her about the menagerie in her closet. She now wears the slippers on Christmas Day and it has become a sort of tradition to do so. See her other stories in the 2TheHeart & Funny Friday archives.
http://www.2theheart.com/archives
http://www.2theheart.com/funny_friday/
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The Letter Box:
Oh Sooz,
I did a bit of slobbering myself when I read about your heroic
efforts and eventual glorious victory! Summer Olympics, here she
comes!! You never cease to amaze me. You can find the humor in the most painful of personal episodes and then give your readers
stomachaches from the gales of laughter your words produce.
You are priceless!
Love,
Deb Simmons
P.S. In case you were wondering, I wiped off my computer screen and it's none-the-worse for wear after my spit-up episode.
Susan,
You my friend are CRAZY......I loved your story of course. It is a
real treat to get a story from you......
Love Ya
Jane Ludwig
Susan, that's a funny story but I can't imagine why you need to get in shape after chasing Noah all over. He must keep you breathing pretty good. Again, great story! Do they let us old poots on the track with our scooters?
Your friend,
Chuck Dishno
Susie-Q, you crack me up girl! Thanks for the chuckle. Have a great weekend!
Hugs,
Kim Murray
Hi Susan,
I really enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing. Maybe you can race Santa coming down the chimney.
Hugs and Happy Holidays,
Mary Emma
Author/Illustrator/Speaker
me.allen@juno.com
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www.2theheart.com
Making a difference, one story at a time!
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